Finally!!!! Holy shit! That seemed like an entire lifetime between the last time I saw you to our dinner date last night.
After we agreed a handful of days ago to have dinner, as that day got closer, my stomach began to get more and more knotted and even the day of left me feeling nauseous at times. I had no idea what to expect from you with respect to our previous closeness and intimacy. Would you want to hug me? Kiss me? I was nervous how I was going to react to seeing you finally also. I was afraid I would break down in tears of either or both overwhelming joy in seeing you again and also releasing all the pent up hurt I've felt over the past 31 days.
Luckily, you came to my house to pick me up and I met you outside in the garage where we had privacy to react and respond without judgmental eyes. We said Hi and then hugged. I hugged you so hard and I could feel my breath get ragged. My eyes welled with tears, but I held them back. Pretty sure I heard some attempted suppressed gasping come out of my mouth too, but all in all, I think I kept myself together quite well given what chaos was rolling around inside.
It was an exciting date. It felt much like our first in the way we looked at each other, but like one of our best in the familiarity and warmth of our closeness. It was real, it was love, it was respect. It was nice to have back.
Our next date is planned, with your family for Mother's day brunch. I'm looking forward to seeing them all again and how the rest of the day will unfold.
Together again and it feels so good.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Monday, May 1, 2017
The Talk
After my panic attack, we agreed we would talk on Sunday late afternoon and I said that I really wanted to see you. I hadn't heard from you all day on Sunday until 7:30 pm when you asked if we could talk in a few minutes. You were either not ever really on board with getting face to face, or you had a busy day and couldn't make the time.
If I'm being honest, I believe that you didn't want to be face to face with me knowing that our conversation may end up in our breakup. Guessing by some of the word choices you made that you quickly tried to correct, I think you expected we would break up on that phone call. So here's a quick recap of what I heard you say:
I am still grappling with some feelings of rejection because at one time, living with me at least and sharing our lives together was definitely something you proactively brought up. As time drew on and I started talking more about such a plan, I could feel you drawing away. It's really hard for me to know if it was the growing reality of it happening that pushed you away or if it was my immature communication when I snapped at you when filled with jealous anger, or some other unnamed drunken outburst where I was super shitty to you.
In either case, I have to decide if this arrangement will meet my needs. I need to get through some counseling to help me determine that as currently I'm not feeling like a whole person. It's important to me to keep boundaries, so while I feel your need to withdrawal and keep your space, I also will be protecting myself. We agreed to cut back on how much time we are spending with each other. I haven't felt very good when I've gone down to your house during the week, especially when you have your kids because your evenings are typically hectic and I feel more of a nuisance than a welcomed guest. I also brought up we should and will likely need to not text as much. If you want to live physically separate lives by choice, I don't think it's fair to overcompensate being in each other's life virtually, We barely texted at all today, and I'm trying to be reserved and allow you to lead so I can get a sense of what works for you. We also haven't decided when the next time we will see each other will be. Based on the "day after" emotions, I think I will leave the invitations up to you. It's fair to say you might not even ask until just before Mother's day weekend, which is almost 2 whole weeks away.
I really miss you. I want to see you face and look into your eyes to see the truth your eyes cannot hide. I want to kiss your lips and feel the honesty of your love. I want to feel your arms around me and feel the strength of you real commitment to our relationship. I need these things as a starting point so I can begin my healing process.
If I'm being honest, I believe that you didn't want to be face to face with me knowing that our conversation may end up in our breakup. Guessing by some of the word choices you made that you quickly tried to correct, I think you expected we would break up on that phone call. So here's a quick recap of what I heard you say:
- You do not want to get married or live together, maybe not ever, but for a very long time. You enjoy your own personal space and time and do not want to give it up
- you are concerned that the longer we live apart, the harder it will be to come together as we get set in our ways
- You do love me
- You will not tolerate being with someone who says or does things to another for the sole purpose of hurting them
- I love you and do not want our relationship to end
- I know I haven't been my best self and am going to therapy to learn to deal with my stress, and let go of projecting and negative communication tactics
- I don't want to grow old alone
- I am not 100% sure I can be happy, but I feel like we need to give it a chance. Breaking it off now versus a little more time needed for me to figure things out doesn't have that much of an impact
I am still grappling with some feelings of rejection because at one time, living with me at least and sharing our lives together was definitely something you proactively brought up. As time drew on and I started talking more about such a plan, I could feel you drawing away. It's really hard for me to know if it was the growing reality of it happening that pushed you away or if it was my immature communication when I snapped at you when filled with jealous anger, or some other unnamed drunken outburst where I was super shitty to you.
In either case, I have to decide if this arrangement will meet my needs. I need to get through some counseling to help me determine that as currently I'm not feeling like a whole person. It's important to me to keep boundaries, so while I feel your need to withdrawal and keep your space, I also will be protecting myself. We agreed to cut back on how much time we are spending with each other. I haven't felt very good when I've gone down to your house during the week, especially when you have your kids because your evenings are typically hectic and I feel more of a nuisance than a welcomed guest. I also brought up we should and will likely need to not text as much. If you want to live physically separate lives by choice, I don't think it's fair to overcompensate being in each other's life virtually, We barely texted at all today, and I'm trying to be reserved and allow you to lead so I can get a sense of what works for you. We also haven't decided when the next time we will see each other will be. Based on the "day after" emotions, I think I will leave the invitations up to you. It's fair to say you might not even ask until just before Mother's day weekend, which is almost 2 whole weeks away.
I really miss you. I want to see you face and look into your eyes to see the truth your eyes cannot hide. I want to kiss your lips and feel the honesty of your love. I want to feel your arms around me and feel the strength of you real commitment to our relationship. I need these things as a starting point so I can begin my healing process.
Friday, April 28, 2017
The end?
Well, I wish I could say I was able to hold out until you contacted me at the two week mark, but I was weak and texted you.
I was in a bit of a panic that night and things only got worse by morning. So what did I do? I called you. The not knowing was too much for me to bare and I needed to hear something from you, get some sort of indication where you were in this process. After that call? I can only assume we are done and you are spending the rest of these days trying to figure out the best exit plan. Fair enough.
So as we close out this chapter, I want you to at least hear my side of the story as I've dissected myself over and over during our "break". I know I haven't been my best self for some time, and lately I wouldn't want to be near me either. I've been stressed with the uncertainly of my job from the moment my boss told me that his boss didn't want my position on the team. Not knowing what may happen to my financial future is a scary proposition for someone who has no back up, no parents with deep pockets or even semi shallow pockets and people I love depending on me, including both my parents and brother. This, plus having my dad live with me has been eroding at my sanity from day 1. It was a big mistake and he and I have talked about this and agree. It's not natural, I'm not suited for it and our home environment doesn't allow for any separation.
I feel like I've lost control over my one sanctuary, my home. It's not mine anymore. It's more my dad's than ever as he spending 20 out of 24 hours here every single day. I've been secluding myself up to by bedroom at every possible moment to savor what's left of my own personal space. It's the only place where I can drown out the sound of his coughing and constant grumbling and grunting over this and that. I know I sound like a horrible daughter for even saying these things, but it's like torture I cannot escape.
So much negative thinking has gotten a hold of me in the past few months which I am partially attributing to how little time and mental attention my job actually requires of me, I'm unmotivated, bored and unchallenged. I've been ruminating on everything that's not how I envisioned it would be and have been getting more and more frustrated by my lack of ability to do anything about it. You're right, I am falling apart. And unfortunately for you, you've been the recipient of some serious projection and lack of self-confidence. Where things are going bad, I feel like I've lost control. I've been leaning on you heavily to do exactly as you said the other day. I'm looking to you for my own happiness in the face of so much negative. I've been subconsciously hoping you could/would save me, but I know that is not your job. Only I can save myself.
I'm not always the happy go lucky, carefree, fun and light hearted woman you fell in love with. I'm now at this moment struggling with understanding my own place in this world at this stage my life and my own feelings about what I want, deserve, or am obligated to do with respect to those who love me and rely on me. I get berated with messages from my ex about my own happiness not being as important as Owen''s. I feel weighted, heavy, full of resentment, guilt and sorrow. I have a lot of work to do to rebuild my inner confidence and self love and I have a long road ahead with my dad.
As you know all to well, I'm a doer so I've already begun taking steps to get back to my normal. This has been a huge eye opening experience as to just how quickly my negative thinking has eroded my life and sapped all the energy out of yours. You went from saying we should get married in early January to needing 2+ weeks to figure out why you couldn't get married to me after only 4 months time. I have accepted a new job that will be challenging and gets me back to doing the things I enjoy most. I know I will be very busy and mentally stimulated in this position. I'm scheduling therapy sessions again to help me work through these negative thoughts, help me re establish my confidence, personal boundaries and healthy coping mechanisms for living with my dad until such time he moves on to a senior apartment.
I thought of asking you to wait, give me a chance to fix this with the knowledge of what I have just shared, however in talking about fairness, I don't think that's fair to you. There's no guarantee of the outcome or no time frame I can promise. All I can say is that I love you to my core and somehow you have helped "make it all go away" at times and I am so grateful for every minute we've ever spent together. You are an amazing man and father and are more than I could have ever hoped for. After our 1 1/2 years, I've never felt more in tune to someone than you. I wish us both love and peace for our futures.
I was in a bit of a panic that night and things only got worse by morning. So what did I do? I called you. The not knowing was too much for me to bare and I needed to hear something from you, get some sort of indication where you were in this process. After that call? I can only assume we are done and you are spending the rest of these days trying to figure out the best exit plan. Fair enough.
So as we close out this chapter, I want you to at least hear my side of the story as I've dissected myself over and over during our "break". I know I haven't been my best self for some time, and lately I wouldn't want to be near me either. I've been stressed with the uncertainly of my job from the moment my boss told me that his boss didn't want my position on the team. Not knowing what may happen to my financial future is a scary proposition for someone who has no back up, no parents with deep pockets or even semi shallow pockets and people I love depending on me, including both my parents and brother. This, plus having my dad live with me has been eroding at my sanity from day 1. It was a big mistake and he and I have talked about this and agree. It's not natural, I'm not suited for it and our home environment doesn't allow for any separation.
I feel like I've lost control over my one sanctuary, my home. It's not mine anymore. It's more my dad's than ever as he spending 20 out of 24 hours here every single day. I've been secluding myself up to by bedroom at every possible moment to savor what's left of my own personal space. It's the only place where I can drown out the sound of his coughing and constant grumbling and grunting over this and that. I know I sound like a horrible daughter for even saying these things, but it's like torture I cannot escape.
So much negative thinking has gotten a hold of me in the past few months which I am partially attributing to how little time and mental attention my job actually requires of me, I'm unmotivated, bored and unchallenged. I've been ruminating on everything that's not how I envisioned it would be and have been getting more and more frustrated by my lack of ability to do anything about it. You're right, I am falling apart. And unfortunately for you, you've been the recipient of some serious projection and lack of self-confidence. Where things are going bad, I feel like I've lost control. I've been leaning on you heavily to do exactly as you said the other day. I'm looking to you for my own happiness in the face of so much negative. I've been subconsciously hoping you could/would save me, but I know that is not your job. Only I can save myself.
I'm not always the happy go lucky, carefree, fun and light hearted woman you fell in love with. I'm now at this moment struggling with understanding my own place in this world at this stage my life and my own feelings about what I want, deserve, or am obligated to do with respect to those who love me and rely on me. I get berated with messages from my ex about my own happiness not being as important as Owen''s. I feel weighted, heavy, full of resentment, guilt and sorrow. I have a lot of work to do to rebuild my inner confidence and self love and I have a long road ahead with my dad.
As you know all to well, I'm a doer so I've already begun taking steps to get back to my normal. This has been a huge eye opening experience as to just how quickly my negative thinking has eroded my life and sapped all the energy out of yours. You went from saying we should get married in early January to needing 2+ weeks to figure out why you couldn't get married to me after only 4 months time. I have accepted a new job that will be challenging and gets me back to doing the things I enjoy most. I know I will be very busy and mentally stimulated in this position. I'm scheduling therapy sessions again to help me work through these negative thoughts, help me re establish my confidence, personal boundaries and healthy coping mechanisms for living with my dad until such time he moves on to a senior apartment.
I thought of asking you to wait, give me a chance to fix this with the knowledge of what I have just shared, however in talking about fairness, I don't think that's fair to you. There's no guarantee of the outcome or no time frame I can promise. All I can say is that I love you to my core and somehow you have helped "make it all go away" at times and I am so grateful for every minute we've ever spent together. You are an amazing man and father and are more than I could have ever hoped for. After our 1 1/2 years, I've never felt more in tune to someone than you. I wish us both love and peace for our futures.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Day 13
I just got off the phone with the marina about getting our boat ready for launch. They wanted me to give them a launch date because since we aren't using Bay Harbor, we have to meet them at the public boat launch and take it over ourselves to the new marina.
My heart is now sinking thinking about what sort of conversation we may have after your taking a step back. What if you don't want to be with me anymore? What will I do with the boat? What about your birthday plans/reservations I've already made? What about our trip to Nashville?
I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of this year if you decide you're better off without me.
Why is this taking so long? This is the absolute worst I've ever felt. Recovering from this is going to be hard no matter what the outcome. I was thinking this morning about what it might be like when this is all over. Let's say you tell me everything is fine or you just aren't ready yet and we continue on together. The next time we touch, I'm nervous I will be just as scared as the day we met, but this time, it wont be because we have a blank slate, it will be because I'm worried I've lost something inside over these past two weeks. Have I lost faith in our relationship? Has your love for me been real, did you discover otherwise or did you fall out of love with me? I don't know what is keeping you from allowing yourself to go to the next level with me, but the fact something is now is burning a hole in my heart. Every day we've been apart without your words make the hole grow bigger and bigger and my heart heavier and sadder. My chest literally aches and I find myself short of breath feeling overwhelmed by what you could be thinking about right now. I am trying hard to imagine a scenario of something holding you back that has zero implications on our relationship, something unrelated to your feelings towards me and whether or not you feel I'm worthy of being your wife. It's been hard to find something tangible to quell my fears, I haven't thought of anything yet.
I took a 2 mile walk today at lunch to try to clear my head. This is after I ran 3.4 and walked another .9 miles this morning. We can continue on as boyfriend and girlfriend for as long as you want/need. I will appreciate the time we can spend with each other and try not to push you too hard to spend more or give more attention that you can provide. I can't imagine me with out you or you with someone else. I love you so much.
My heart is now sinking thinking about what sort of conversation we may have after your taking a step back. What if you don't want to be with me anymore? What will I do with the boat? What about your birthday plans/reservations I've already made? What about our trip to Nashville?
I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of this year if you decide you're better off without me.
Why is this taking so long? This is the absolute worst I've ever felt. Recovering from this is going to be hard no matter what the outcome. I was thinking this morning about what it might be like when this is all over. Let's say you tell me everything is fine or you just aren't ready yet and we continue on together. The next time we touch, I'm nervous I will be just as scared as the day we met, but this time, it wont be because we have a blank slate, it will be because I'm worried I've lost something inside over these past two weeks. Have I lost faith in our relationship? Has your love for me been real, did you discover otherwise or did you fall out of love with me? I don't know what is keeping you from allowing yourself to go to the next level with me, but the fact something is now is burning a hole in my heart. Every day we've been apart without your words make the hole grow bigger and bigger and my heart heavier and sadder. My chest literally aches and I find myself short of breath feeling overwhelmed by what you could be thinking about right now. I am trying hard to imagine a scenario of something holding you back that has zero implications on our relationship, something unrelated to your feelings towards me and whether or not you feel I'm worthy of being your wife. It's been hard to find something tangible to quell my fears, I haven't thought of anything yet.
I took a 2 mile walk today at lunch to try to clear my head. This is after I ran 3.4 and walked another .9 miles this morning. We can continue on as boyfriend and girlfriend for as long as you want/need. I will appreciate the time we can spend with each other and try not to push you too hard to spend more or give more attention that you can provide. I can't imagine me with out you or you with someone else. I love you so much.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Day 11
My head is in turmoil. One minute I'm feeling normal, sometimes even chipper, then the next, a wave of anxiety crashes over me and I'm sick to my stomach all over again with tears welling in the corners of my eyes. It would appear as though this break is going to go the full 2 week duration and probably more given you will be getting your kids the day before day 14 hits and would be an inopportune time to talk, I would think. I am starting to think about whether or not I will wait for you to open the dialog or if I should prompt you on Thursday afternoon if you haven't.
How am I coping? I was about to put a valuation such as good/bad/ok... on my coping, however, I think I will cast aside my own self judgment and simply state the facts.
- I'm drinking heavily on days where my responsibilities and next day obligations are light
- I'm irritable with my father and have told him that moving in with me was probably a big mistake. We didn't even talk about what would happen if x, y, or z occurred. He agrees. I cannot live my own life with him here, but now we are stuck at least for another 2 years.
- I'm pushing myself hard at the gym.
- I'm crying in my car on the way home from work, upstairs in my bedroom at night, in the shower in the morning and sometimes when other stressors pile on top, in front of my son and father.
- Today, I looked through facebook photographs of us together looking for visual queues of discontent on your face. They were there in more than one instance over the past 6 months.
- I've read more articles on "how women push men away", "how to keep your man" etc etc etc. The common thread for lasting relationships is confidence, respect, appreciation, and happiness.
- I've called my old therapist to see if she is accepting new clients
You are the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time. I'm scared of losing you. So scared that I am clinging onto you for dear life which is only pushing you further away. I've got to get a hold of myself and turn this ship around.
Friday, April 21, 2017
Day 7
It's been a week since you decided you needed to take a step back and evaluate why you are afraid to take the next step with me.
This is after the phone conversation we had just about a week prior where you said you've been unhappy for the past couple months.
The last time we saw each other was April 9th and I left in a rush without even saying a real good bye. No hug, no kiss. What if that ends up being the last time we see each other? What I would do now to go back to that moment and hug you tightly until the strength in my arms ran out.
I'm not doing very well with this break at all. I have gotten drunk in my bedroom alone at night twice in the past seven days. The first time was Thursday night after you told me you needed this time. I was so hung over, I couldn't even get out of bed the next day. The second time was last night and I feel almost as bad as I did last time, but I couldn't stay home today too. Sitting here at work, with nothing to do because there are no sales to call about, tying so hard not to look like a mess. Feeling queasy from not only being hung over, but also from the perpetual knot in my stomach worrying about what thoughts you've been having about me and our relationship.
Please don't leave me, Eric. I miss you so much. I wonder, are you missing me? Has this been hard at all for you?
This is after the phone conversation we had just about a week prior where you said you've been unhappy for the past couple months.
The last time we saw each other was April 9th and I left in a rush without even saying a real good bye. No hug, no kiss. What if that ends up being the last time we see each other? What I would do now to go back to that moment and hug you tightly until the strength in my arms ran out.
I'm not doing very well with this break at all. I have gotten drunk in my bedroom alone at night twice in the past seven days. The first time was Thursday night after you told me you needed this time. I was so hung over, I couldn't even get out of bed the next day. The second time was last night and I feel almost as bad as I did last time, but I couldn't stay home today too. Sitting here at work, with nothing to do because there are no sales to call about, tying so hard not to look like a mess. Feeling queasy from not only being hung over, but also from the perpetual knot in my stomach worrying about what thoughts you've been having about me and our relationship.
Please don't leave me, Eric. I miss you so much. I wonder, are you missing me? Has this been hard at all for you?
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Insecurity
I haven't taken my own advice. Things get happy and comfortable again and so I relax and my brain stops bothering me, until the next time. Then the next time happens, and happens again, and now I've really done some damage. I truly am my own worst enemy.
After our phone conversation, I've done some soul searching about how I feel and the reactions I've had to various events and interactions. The hard part now is, my brain tells me you don't love me as much as I love you and every time I show my insecurity, my brain tells me you love me even less.
In an effort to defend myself, I can't help but get upset when I see you get super excited to see or speak to another woman when I don't think I've seen that same excitement towards me lately. It really doesn't matter who the woman is, but it is unfortunate the focus has been on the one person that makes the whole thing seem even more ridiculous. I feel "less than" in those moments. Jealous of how happy someone else makes you. I should be happy you're happy! I don't know why it bothers me and makes me feel bad. There must be something wrong with me. I know how good it feels when you are able to greet me when I arrive, like you are happy and excited to see me. It's that feeling I am missing and it hurts to see you give it to someone else.
Now the real question, is my thinking rational?
I probably have self esteem issues. Do I not love myself enough? Do I feel worthy of love? Why am I so afraid of losing you, that I am not good enough for you. I worry you'll wake up one day and look at me wondering "why am I with her?".
Where the fuck is my confidence??? After all, I bet it was my confidence in the first place that you found attractive. My neediness now is pushing you further and further away before my very eyes. I am trying not to engage with you as much as I have in the past. Maybe I'm expecting too much attention and approval from you when I need to look within. Perhaps I am spending too much time with you. I have too much time on my hands at work.
Having my Dad living with me is also taking a toll on me as well. Who knew his coughing, grunting, critiquing of my cooking, and bathroom habits would bother me so much? Resentment and then guilt are eating away at me.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Making wishes and New Years resolutions
Written on 1/6/2017
For many, 2016 was not a very good year. When I look back at what I had hoped and planned for myself for the year there were many things that I was incredibly grateful for, successful at and am blessed to have been a part of.
Last year I set one new years resolution; to embrace running. After logging over 300 miles and spending god knows how much money in fun workout/running gear I think I was successful in attaining this resolution. I intend to continue this trend for 2017.
REplay, a 28' Sea Ray Sundancer came into my and my SO's life this summer and even though we didn't spend as much time as we wanted on it, we did create some memorable moments for us and the kids.
I was invited to join my SO's family on a long weekend getaway over the same weekend as our 1 year dating anniversary. I and my son were also invited to another family vacation to Disney with all the kids the following year.
There were a couple of challenges and some down times that I'm still struggling to overcome. I'm currently processing this emotional baggage and trying to work through it. Unfortunately, the best way I know to help myself release toxic thinking is to write it out in it's raw emotional form from my perspective. It will read immature, dramatic and reeks of some one who likes to bask in their own misery, but letting it out raw allows me to accept what happened, feel it's impact on me and then decide how best to move forward. Please indulge me.
Throughout 2016, I saw my SO's and my relationship getting stronger and stronger and I was convinced he felt the same way about me as I did him. We declared our love to one another often and made comments to each other that triggered thoughts in my head of getting engaged, moving in together and starting down the journey of our lives together! My SO would say things like I don't ever want you to leave, or about his new home being where he sees me someday living, and also making comments about whether or not I like what he'd picked out or if I had thoughts on decorating because he would want me to feel like it's my home too. He would send me texts at 11:11 week after week, month after month asking me to make a wish. Oh and I did make those wishes at 11:11, on shooting stars, and on stray eyelashes. He would want to know what it was, and I always told him without divulging any details, it was the same wish every time. He had to know what it was, right? I pushed the conversation about living together trying to get an understanding of when he saw this happening because of all the planning that would need to happen with schools and my dad's care. I pushed too hard in retrospect. He sort of agreed that we would try to get moved in by the next summer. I still don't know if he even really wanted that or not.
He once asked me just as I was dozing off to sleep if he were to ask me to marry him, what would I say? So my expectations were set and my wishes were that he would ask me to marry him before the end of the year. It seemed like it was going to happen, and soon. Especially since he basically asked informally which I took as a signal he was ensuring it wouldn't be a no when he did it for real. I actually thought he would ask me on our anniversary trip to Florida, but it never happened. I became distraught.
I could continue to go deeper into all the nuances of why I felt what I felt and anticipated what I did, and when he began to say things that contradicted my reality, saying things like "what if after moving in things don't work out?", how that then made me feel. But the long and short of it was, "I'm not ready to be engaged" he said via text a couple weeks after we came back from Florida. He's not ready to be committed to me as I am to him. To say I was disappointed was an understatement. I was heart broken. I felt tremendously mislead and made a fool. Somehow, I buried my disappointment and we got past it.
Fast forward to my scheduled surgery on December 12th. This was another touchy situation, and yes, this is going to be one huge venting session. I've got to find a way to let this all go so I can move on. In fact, while I was at my appointment in Dartmouth he and I were bickering via text and I recall muttering the words, "we aren't going to make it through this."
This particular surgery has a tough recovery period. You cannot lift anything heavier that a gallon of milk for roughly 4-6 weeks. My SO made sure I was aware that the timing of this surgery would be prohibitive of him helping me much. This statement alone made me sad. I don't like to be reminded of how little support I have in my life, it makes me feel sorry for myself. Given the logistics of our relationship and our proximity to each other, I didn't think the time of year made that much of a difference. It would be hard to help no matter what time of year it was, and so even with this understanding, I still figured he would be a little more present than what he ended up being. Granted my surgery took 3 hours longer than expected, he spent all of 15 minutes with me after I was out of surgery and nearly ran away to go to his daughters basketball game. He likes to remind me that I told him to go. What he doesn't know is that I would rather have people perceive me as not needing support in a vulnerable situation, than wanting it and not getting it. (This is why I told you to go. You were going to go anyway, I just made it easier for you and I saved face hiding my shame in front of strangers.)
He came back to visit me for 15 minutes with his kids at the hospital. He picked me up when I was discharged in the late afternoon of the 4th day and drove me home during a snow storm in my car and left almost immediately afterward as his dad was waiting in my driveway to take him back to get to another basketball game. This was another set of events that I couldn't help but feel bad about and couldn't hide my feelings. Another stressful discussion ensued and I ended up apologizing for expecting more than he could offer. I guess I figured he would see how much I needed him and he would make sacrifices. He apologized that I felt the way I did. For the record, I hate non-apologies like that. Oddly enough, I'm guessing the same time I muttered my "we aren't going to make it through this", he told me he knew I was going to be mad if I didn't see him every day.
One of the items he posted on what how significant it was to ask for his mom's help to watch his kids so that he could be there when I got out of surgery and also to pick me up when I was discharged. What I don't understand is how 1 week later, it wasn't a big deal at all for him to ask her again so he could go Christmas shopping with his cousin all night. By now, my sense of feeling like an important part of his life has diminished to the lowest level I have experienced with him or anyone else I've ever said I love you to. Oh but wait, he wanted to stop in for a bit with his cousin to help us with dinner, yay! :-/. There is one thing worse than feeling unimportant to your boyfriend; feeling like a charity stop en-route of his priority mission. No thanks. I declined. I also declined his after thought invite to dinner with them or subsequent invite out shopping more after he purchased my gift, which evidently his cousin had more to do with choosing than he did.
So in retrospect, there were some really great moments, but late summer into fall through the end of the year has been a real struggle for me. I opened my Jar of Happy Moments 2016 and you could see the giddy momentum sliding away as the dates on my entries trailed off after late May. It was a tearful read through and I'm glad it was done privately so no one could see the evidence of my anguish. My expectations were so way off it's embarrassing. I have heard him reaffirm that he is as committed, and that he does plan to marry me, he sees it happening in the "very near future", but I just don't see any actions matching those words. In fact it's those same words spoken in the first part of the year that created my false expectations. Not only that, it seems he is getting involved in situations that will only prolong not being ready. So lesson learned from 2016? I am done wishing. I am done allowing myself to become hopeful or read into his words or lack of words or most suitably, lack of actions. Just writing this down creates a heaviness in my heart, sickness in the pit of my stomach, a tightening in my throat and a sting in my eyes. 2017 is a return to a previous resolution from the early post divorce years. I am letting go of wanting to get married. If I allow myself to want it and it doesn't happen, it's the heartbreak I told him I wanted to avoid when we first met. It happened anyway. No doubt this shift is cowardly, but I cannot make anybody feel anything they don't, do anything they aren't ready to do, so I must protect myself. Feeling miserable and unimportant is unhealthy and affects my life in more ways than just the relationship with my boyfriend. I'm worth more than this is making me feel. I deserve to be important to someone in the same way they are important to me. It's time to align my expectations with his or move on.
For many, 2016 was not a very good year. When I look back at what I had hoped and planned for myself for the year there were many things that I was incredibly grateful for, successful at and am blessed to have been a part of.
Last year I set one new years resolution; to embrace running. After logging over 300 miles and spending god knows how much money in fun workout/running gear I think I was successful in attaining this resolution. I intend to continue this trend for 2017.
REplay, a 28' Sea Ray Sundancer came into my and my SO's life this summer and even though we didn't spend as much time as we wanted on it, we did create some memorable moments for us and the kids.
I was invited to join my SO's family on a long weekend getaway over the same weekend as our 1 year dating anniversary. I and my son were also invited to another family vacation to Disney with all the kids the following year.
There were a couple of challenges and some down times that I'm still struggling to overcome. I'm currently processing this emotional baggage and trying to work through it. Unfortunately, the best way I know to help myself release toxic thinking is to write it out in it's raw emotional form from my perspective. It will read immature, dramatic and reeks of some one who likes to bask in their own misery, but letting it out raw allows me to accept what happened, feel it's impact on me and then decide how best to move forward. Please indulge me.
Throughout 2016, I saw my SO's and my relationship getting stronger and stronger and I was convinced he felt the same way about me as I did him. We declared our love to one another often and made comments to each other that triggered thoughts in my head of getting engaged, moving in together and starting down the journey of our lives together! My SO would say things like I don't ever want you to leave, or about his new home being where he sees me someday living, and also making comments about whether or not I like what he'd picked out or if I had thoughts on decorating because he would want me to feel like it's my home too. He would send me texts at 11:11 week after week, month after month asking me to make a wish. Oh and I did make those wishes at 11:11, on shooting stars, and on stray eyelashes. He would want to know what it was, and I always told him without divulging any details, it was the same wish every time. He had to know what it was, right? I pushed the conversation about living together trying to get an understanding of when he saw this happening because of all the planning that would need to happen with schools and my dad's care. I pushed too hard in retrospect. He sort of agreed that we would try to get moved in by the next summer. I still don't know if he even really wanted that or not.
He once asked me just as I was dozing off to sleep if he were to ask me to marry him, what would I say? So my expectations were set and my wishes were that he would ask me to marry him before the end of the year. It seemed like it was going to happen, and soon. Especially since he basically asked informally which I took as a signal he was ensuring it wouldn't be a no when he did it for real. I actually thought he would ask me on our anniversary trip to Florida, but it never happened. I became distraught.
I could continue to go deeper into all the nuances of why I felt what I felt and anticipated what I did, and when he began to say things that contradicted my reality, saying things like "what if after moving in things don't work out?", how that then made me feel. But the long and short of it was, "I'm not ready to be engaged" he said via text a couple weeks after we came back from Florida. He's not ready to be committed to me as I am to him. To say I was disappointed was an understatement. I was heart broken. I felt tremendously mislead and made a fool. Somehow, I buried my disappointment and we got past it.
Fast forward to my scheduled surgery on December 12th. This was another touchy situation, and yes, this is going to be one huge venting session. I've got to find a way to let this all go so I can move on. In fact, while I was at my appointment in Dartmouth he and I were bickering via text and I recall muttering the words, "we aren't going to make it through this."
This particular surgery has a tough recovery period. You cannot lift anything heavier that a gallon of milk for roughly 4-6 weeks. My SO made sure I was aware that the timing of this surgery would be prohibitive of him helping me much. This statement alone made me sad. I don't like to be reminded of how little support I have in my life, it makes me feel sorry for myself. Given the logistics of our relationship and our proximity to each other, I didn't think the time of year made that much of a difference. It would be hard to help no matter what time of year it was, and so even with this understanding, I still figured he would be a little more present than what he ended up being. Granted my surgery took 3 hours longer than expected, he spent all of 15 minutes with me after I was out of surgery and nearly ran away to go to his daughters basketball game. He likes to remind me that I told him to go. What he doesn't know is that I would rather have people perceive me as not needing support in a vulnerable situation, than wanting it and not getting it. (This is why I told you to go. You were going to go anyway, I just made it easier for you and I saved face hiding my shame in front of strangers.)
He came back to visit me for 15 minutes with his kids at the hospital. He picked me up when I was discharged in the late afternoon of the 4th day and drove me home during a snow storm in my car and left almost immediately afterward as his dad was waiting in my driveway to take him back to get to another basketball game. This was another set of events that I couldn't help but feel bad about and couldn't hide my feelings. Another stressful discussion ensued and I ended up apologizing for expecting more than he could offer. I guess I figured he would see how much I needed him and he would make sacrifices. He apologized that I felt the way I did. For the record, I hate non-apologies like that. Oddly enough, I'm guessing the same time I muttered my "we aren't going to make it through this", he told me he knew I was going to be mad if I didn't see him every day.
One of the items he posted on what how significant it was to ask for his mom's help to watch his kids so that he could be there when I got out of surgery and also to pick me up when I was discharged. What I don't understand is how 1 week later, it wasn't a big deal at all for him to ask her again so he could go Christmas shopping with his cousin all night. By now, my sense of feeling like an important part of his life has diminished to the lowest level I have experienced with him or anyone else I've ever said I love you to. Oh but wait, he wanted to stop in for a bit with his cousin to help us with dinner, yay! :-/. There is one thing worse than feeling unimportant to your boyfriend; feeling like a charity stop en-route of his priority mission. No thanks. I declined. I also declined his after thought invite to dinner with them or subsequent invite out shopping more after he purchased my gift, which evidently his cousin had more to do with choosing than he did.
So in retrospect, there were some really great moments, but late summer into fall through the end of the year has been a real struggle for me. I opened my Jar of Happy Moments 2016 and you could see the giddy momentum sliding away as the dates on my entries trailed off after late May. It was a tearful read through and I'm glad it was done privately so no one could see the evidence of my anguish. My expectations were so way off it's embarrassing. I have heard him reaffirm that he is as committed, and that he does plan to marry me, he sees it happening in the "very near future", but I just don't see any actions matching those words. In fact it's those same words spoken in the first part of the year that created my false expectations. Not only that, it seems he is getting involved in situations that will only prolong not being ready. So lesson learned from 2016? I am done wishing. I am done allowing myself to become hopeful or read into his words or lack of words or most suitably, lack of actions. Just writing this down creates a heaviness in my heart, sickness in the pit of my stomach, a tightening in my throat and a sting in my eyes. 2017 is a return to a previous resolution from the early post divorce years. I am letting go of wanting to get married. If I allow myself to want it and it doesn't happen, it's the heartbreak I told him I wanted to avoid when we first met. It happened anyway. No doubt this shift is cowardly, but I cannot make anybody feel anything they don't, do anything they aren't ready to do, so I must protect myself. Feeling miserable and unimportant is unhealthy and affects my life in more ways than just the relationship with my boyfriend. I'm worth more than this is making me feel. I deserve to be important to someone in the same way they are important to me. It's time to align my expectations with his or move on.
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