Endurance

[en-doo r-uh ns, -dyoo r-] 

noun

1.

the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, etc.

2.

the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue,stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina:

He has amazing physical endurance.

3.

lasting quality; duration:

His friendships have little endurance.

4.

something endured, as a hardship; trial.

 

We are nearing 60 days of knowing, liking, and now loving each other.  We eclipsed one holiday in Thanksgiving and I feel quite fortunate for the timing of this holiday.   General circumstance and also the newness of our relationship played a role in us spending this holiday apart from each other.  We did communicate a lot throughout the day; it was nice to keep in touch with you at various intervals despite the busy happenings that come with the holiday.  Thank you for keeping me close in your thoughts, as you were close in mine.

 

I call this entry Endurance because although my feelings of love for you are fresh, and my heart still skips beats when I see you or hear the 'ding' of my phone in anticipation of a message from you, now is also the time I want to be mindful of the stresses of everyday life and their ability to erode away at even the most durable of things. I'm making a promise to myself to always remember you are a priority and to act accordingly.  I will be strong and endure through hardships such that our love stays strong and endures as well.  

 

I feel confident that I will get out what I put in and so I'm giving all of myself to you.  There's something freeing and joyous about letting go and trusting you. 

 

 

Man in the Arena

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

― Theodore Roosevelt


Approaching date #9 this weekend, I contemplate this quote.  Yes, this quote and dating; seems like quite a stretch.  There is no war, nor do I expect to have my face marred by dust sweat or blood, but there is a worthy cause and a great devotion in front of me that I may openly opt into this weekend.   Opting in requires saying those un-retractable three words; I love you. 

I feel it happening.  It's crazy.  I know there is plenty about you that I don't know, but what I do know I'm so in love with.  Being the first one to say I love you is a scary thing.  I don't think I have ever been the first one to say it.  Falling in love for me as an adult has always been a slow, trust building type of love.
This love is different.  It's different in that you have a physiological effect on me, and not just in the hormonal attraction sort of way, but in an even more basic way.  My heart pounds harder and faster, I loose my breath, gasp for air and sometimes it brings me to tears of joy.  I want to jump in head first and show you I'm fully yours, I want to be your partner and take on all that life gives and takes.

You couldn't have said a more perfect statement the other day, "I'm going to appreciate the hell out of you".  It's raw, speaks to me in a way as if you knew how important this is to me. You couldn't have said anything more meaningful to me taking my growing feelings for you and catapult them into I have to tell you I am falling in love with you realm.

So this weekend, I intend to throw myself into the arena.  I don't want to ever be a cold and timid soul who never knows victory nor defeat.  

 

Boyfriend/Girlfriend

At the same time we hit the 30 day mark, my Dad has moved in.  Calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend is also another milestone.  Blissful is the word that comes to mind when I think about how I feel when we are together, when we are talking on the phone or texting and even when I'm just thinking about you.  And I get to call you my boyfriend!  Somebody pinch me... no wait... don't pinch me... I don't want to wake up.

I keep wondering whether or not I've felt this much intensity for someone before.  I know I've been in love in the past and I'm telling myself that those times must have also felt like this and it's just that this experience is so fresh and rewarding after disappointing dates with numerous previous suitors. But part of me questions my rationalizing and downplaying of what is, quite honestly, the best feeling I've had for someone that I can recall, ever! 

Will this wind down over time?  Can it sustain if it's nurtured?  Do I know how to nurture it?  I never would have imagined a person could be this blissful and full of energy inside where you feel like you are going to explode with pure joy because you can't possibly handle this powerful emotion.

You're so real, so calming, accepting, perfect to me with your imperfections. More please :-)

Date #5 in the books and #6 tonight!

Yesterday as I was feeling growing excitement about having you over again and how this time there will be no time constraints, I became aware and slightly unsettled, that I have not been as proactive with verbally sharing my feelings towards you as you have been with me.

It seems like I find myself saying, "me too" and "I feel the same way" a lot.  And while those words are true, you deserve to hear more than this. 

When we met,  I felt immediate attraction and  was drawn to you in a way where you feel the energy of the other person and it just makes you feel good and want more. This feeling isn't fading.
You are incredibly thoughtful, such a gentleman, you take care of yourself and you posses the qualities I believe are very important to me.  When I say you are amazing and wonderful, I mean it.  You have me craving our next meeting, feeling happy/content/passionate when we are together, and missing you only moments after we part.

It's a bit scary to be involved in something so wonderful and so fragile at the same.  And by fragile, I mean worthy of great care and respect.  I really like you a lot.  We seem to be on the same page in this regard.  Not sure how much better this can get, but I know there's a lot more for me to give.  I can hardly wait to get there.

 

Excerpt from The Four Agreements

If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you.  If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her.  Walking away may hurt for awhile, but your heart will eventually heal.  Then you can choose what you really want.  You will find you do not need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.

Desperate

Here I sit at work on a Friday, not really working.  I don't want to be here.  I want to stuff my face full of food, but I'm getting fat despite going to the gym 4 times per week and getting my heart rate up for 30 minutes.  Not sure what's up with that, but I'm pissed.

I'm still mad about my kitchen, that's still not done
My dad is finally moving out here at the end of October.

• One way flight out to Michigan purchased
• Clearing out his bedroom so it's ready
• Trying to fix the stairs in the garage in such a way so that we can both get our cars in the garage

My son's Birthday party is scheduled and I've been planning and organizing. 

• Gifts are purchased
• Eggless Cupcake mix/recipe in the pantry
• Bowling alley party reserved
• Invitations sent

Waiting for my wood guy to call me back and deliver the last cord of wood I paid for back in April
Lots of stuff to do in general around the house and I seem to generally tackle one thing every other weekend.  I'm going to need to step up the pace if I want to see real progress by winter.

I'm not very pleased with myself or what's going on in my life right now.  Driven to plan my life by goals I need to let go of, I find myself feeling more and more like a failure.  My dream of finding a mate to share my life with seems to be literally behind most of my decisions and actions, none of which have had positive outcomes.

I am desperate for real love.

Victim

Sometimes when somebody gives you feedback and it seems isolated, you can shrug it off pretty easily and consider their opinion just that... their opinion.  However, when you hear similar feedback from more than a couple sources, you have to stop and take inventory over what is being said.

So I've recently received feedback on three different occasions from three different sources that I have built up "walls".  Be they emotional, physical, what-have-you; apparently I have "walls".

I guess in retrospect and after a little bit of soul searching, I feel like I can now see this as empirical evidence.

I am learning the mechanics of these walls, and although they feel like a protective shield, they are actually sabotaging my potential for complete fulfillment.  I'm creating barriers to my own happiness by not letting people get too close to me for fear they may cause the anguish of which I am still feeling victim.

I'm struggling with showing and being vulnerable.  In the past it's done nothing but open the door to less than stellar outcomes.  How do I not reserve a corner of my being where I know, no matter what, I will be able to carry on all by myself?  Is it healthy to do so? I want to trust, to let go, to give myself entirely and have faith the outcome will be positive. 

Support

There are some things in life that are just what they are and you do the best you can with the information you have at the time when dealing with them.  You might not always be right, but you have to feel as though you coming at them with the best of intentions.

I do not strive for mediocrity, I strive to be the best at all things all the time.  And unfortunately, I cannot possibly be the best at everything at all times.  Some things have to give, but that does not lessen the impact of how I feel when those things fall short of my own or others expectations.

When these shortcomings happen, I need support; I need an understanding ear, empathy and a little bit of commiseration.  I don't need to be beat down, shown the error of my ways.  I need to gently be nudged toward the path forward. 

Seemingly Never Ending Frustration

It's been exactly 2 years since I filed for divorce and almost 1 and a half years since the divorce was final.
"Hello my name is ..., and I'm apparently still  angry at my ex-husband".

Well there, I said it.  I'm slightly ashamed and mostly annoyed that I'm still feeling plagued by this negative emotion.  I've done some hard work over the past 3-4 years to help right myself and redefine my existence.  I'm no longer the begging and pleading hopeful wife to what I could only describe as a self serving, demeaning, berating, addicted, leaching excuse for a man.

*sigh*  That felt good.

That said, I did make good progress over the years, but my ex just can't seem to let things go.   I recently disclosed a relationship to him, honoring what I would consider is an obligation to my son's father to be made aware of any new people that are coming our son's life.   I would expect that he does the same for me.  Nevertheless, in doing so, I've managed to open up a door for my ex to 1. threaten to try take parenting time away from me, 2. attempt to "win me back", and 3. pump me for information as to why our relationship failed.  And when I try to leverage the tools I've learned regarding how to deal with his antics, he becomes passive-aggressive and uses our son as a lever to make me comply with his requests.

Getting emotionally engaged in these battles by falling one more time for his tactics.  What a drag to find myself in this place again.   I don't want to play these games.  It's not about winning or loosing, it's about choosing not to play.

Milestones ?

 

Within the framework of project management, a milestone is an event that receives special attention. It is often put at the end of a stage to mark the completion of a work package or phase. Milestones can be put before the end of a phase so that corrective actions can be taken, if problems arise, and the deliverable can be completed on time.


Ah, what to say about the above definition...there are so many avenues to take.  But it all depends on context, even in project management.  The more important question to ask as it pertains to project management is what is called "critical path".  What is it?   It's what I refer to as what absolutely must happen in order for a given project to be successful, on time and meet the requirements of the business needs.

So how does one apply this theory to every day life?  I'm torn; life doesn't follow a project plan, despite many of my prior efforts to make it do so.  At any given moment, life can throw you a curve ball and may change your overall objectives.  If I may be so cliche, life IS a journey, not a destination; which underscores why this milestone philosophy may be inherently invalid as it pertains to life.  But then how does one achieve personal goals?

I generally operate under past experience and knowledge gained from those experiences with a smattering of gut feeling and hopefulness where things just feel right.

I'm still navigating this dichotomy between rigidity of planning and just rolling with it and have yet to formulate a solid foundation of thinking.  70% of the time I follow the planning route, which has shown me many successes and few failures, the other 30% has shown me many failures and few successes, but those few successes have tended to be the most personally fulfilling.

Vulnerability

As defined:

adj.

1.

a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

b. Susceptible to attack: "We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army" (Alexander Hamilton).

c. Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

2.

a. Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.

b. Games In a position to receive greater penalties or bonuses in a hand of bridge. In a rubber, used of the pair of players who score 100 points toward game.

 This definition makes me ponder.  It presents itself as a negative attribute, however, when I think of it in the context of the human condition, I get conflicted.  In my recent therapy sessions (yes, I see a therapist), I've been asked to try to be more vulnerable to others whom I admire; let them in and allow them to see my weaknesses in hopes of receiving support I might not otherwise have received if I remained closed off.  This is incredibly difficult for me.  I suppose I can attribute some of it to the feeling as though I've often had to fend for myself for quite some time.  Those that I've perhaps relied upon in the past have either not met my expectations or let me down considerably.  

In my family and for those who are close to me, if they haven't said it directly, would agree I am known as being the "Rock".   Harboring burdens, helping those in need, lending empathetic ears all the while keeping my own world turning in a way I've prescribed as the right way.

I don't see being vulnerable as a weakness, necessarily, rather a strength that I have yet to harness or posses.