Day 13

I just got off the phone with the marina about getting our boat ready for launch.  They wanted me to give them a launch date because since we aren't using Bay Harbor, we have to meet them at the public boat launch and take it over ourselves to the new marina.

My heart is now sinking thinking about what sort of conversation we may have after your taking a step back.  What if you don't want to be with me anymore?  What will I do with the boat?  What about your birthday plans/reservations I've already made?  What about our trip to Nashville?
I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of this year if you decide you're better off without me.

Why is this taking so long?  This is the absolute worst I've ever felt.  Recovering from this is going to be hard no matter what the outcome. I was thinking this morning about what it might be like when this is all over.  Let's say you tell me everything is fine or you just aren't ready yet and we continue on together.  The next time we touch, I'm nervous I will be just as scared as the day we met, but this time, it wont be because we have a blank slate, it will be because I'm worried I've lost something inside over these past two weeks. Have I lost faith in our relationship?  Has your love for me been real, did you discover otherwise or did you fall out of love with me?   I don't know what is keeping you from allowing yourself to go to the next level with me, but the fact something is now is burning a hole in my heart.  Every day we've been apart without your words make the hole grow bigger and bigger and my heart heavier and sadder. My chest literally aches and I find myself short of breath feeling overwhelmed by what you could be thinking about right now.  I am trying hard to imagine a scenario of something holding you back that has zero implications on our relationship, something unrelated to your feelings towards me and whether or not you feel I'm worthy of being your wife.  It's been hard to find something tangible to quell my fears, I haven't thought of anything yet.


I took a 2 mile walk today at lunch to try to clear my head.  This is after I ran 3.4 and walked another .9 miles this morning.  We can continue on as boyfriend and girlfriend for as long as you want/need.  I will appreciate the time we can spend with each other and try not to push you too hard to spend more or give more attention that you can provide.  I can't imagine me with out you or you with someone else.   I love you so much.