Day 11

 

My head is in turmoil.  One minute I'm feeling normal, sometimes even chipper, then the next, a wave of anxiety crashes over me and I'm sick to my stomach all over again with tears welling in the corners of my eyes.  It would appear as though this break is going to go the full 2 week duration and probably more given you will be getting your kids the day before day 14 hits and would be an inopportune time to talk, I would think.  I am starting to think about whether or not I will wait for you to open the dialog or if I should prompt you on Thursday afternoon if you haven't.

How am I coping?  I was about to put a valuation such as good/bad/ok... on my coping, however, I think I will cast aside my own self judgment and simply state the facts. 

1. I'm drinking heavily on days where my responsibilities and next day obligations are light 
2. I'm irritable with my father and have told him that moving in with me was probably a big mistake.  We didn't even talk about what would happen if x, y, or z occurred.  He agrees.   I cannot live my own life with him here, but now we are stuck at least for another 2 years.
3. I'm pushing myself hard at the gym. 
4. I'm crying in my car on the way home from work, upstairs in my bedroom at night, in the shower in the morning and sometimes when other stressors pile on top, in front of my son and father.
5. Today, I looked through facebook photographs of us together looking for visual queues of discontent on your face.  They were there in more than one instance over the past 6 months.
6. I've read more articles on "how women push men away", "how to keep your man" etc etc etc.  The common thread for lasting relationships is confidence, respect, appreciation, and happiness.
7. I've called my old therapist to see if she is accepting new clients

I guess what I'm am trying to figure out is how irrational or unfounded are my insecurities.  I have felt like a lesser priority to you than I have in the past which is causing me to act out negatively.  It's hard to be confident, appreciative and happy when you don't feel appreciated yourself and your man is saying and doing one thing one day, then the opposite the next.

You are the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time.  I'm scared of losing you.  So scared that I am clinging onto you for dear life which is only pushing you further away.  I've got to get a hold of myself and turn this ship around.