The end?

Well, I wish I could say I was able to hold out until you contacted me at the two week mark, but I was weak and texted you.

I was in a bit of a panic that night and things only got worse by morning.   So what did I do?  I called you.  The not knowing was too much for me to bare and I needed to hear something from you, get some sort of indication where you were in this process.  After that call?  I can only assume we are done and you are spending the rest of these days trying to figure out the best exit plan.  Fair enough. 

So as we close out this chapter, I want you to at least hear my side of the story as I've dissected myself over and over during our "break".  I know I haven't been my best self for some time, and lately I wouldn't want to be near me either.   I've been stressed with the uncertainly of my job from the moment my boss told me that his boss didn't want my position on the team.  Not knowing what may happen to my financial future is a scary proposition for someone who has no back up, no parents with deep pockets or even semi shallow pockets and people I love depending on me, including both my parents and brother.  This, plus having my dad live with me has been eroding at my sanity from day 1.  It was a big mistake and he and I have talked about this and agree.  It's not natural, I'm not suited for it and our home environment doesn't allow for any separation.

I feel like I've lost control over my one sanctuary, my home.  It's not mine anymore.  It's more my dad's than ever as he spending 20 out of 24 hours here every single day.  I've been secluding myself up to by bedroom at every possible moment to savor what's left of my own personal space.  It's the only place where I can drown out the sound of his coughing and constant grumbling and grunting over this and that.  I know I sound like a horrible daughter for even saying these things, but it's like torture I cannot escape.

So much negative thinking has gotten a hold of me in the past few months which I am partially attributing to how little time and mental attention my job actually requires of me, I'm unmotivated, bored and unchallenged.  I've been ruminating on everything that's not how I envisioned it would be and have been getting more and more frustrated by my lack of ability to do anything about it.  You're right, I am falling apart.  And unfortunately for you, you've been the recipient of some serious projection and lack of self-confidence.  Where things are going bad, I feel like I've lost control.  I've been leaning on you heavily to do exactly as you said the other day.  I'm looking to you for my own happiness in the face of so much negative.  I've been subconsciously hoping you could/would save me, but I know that is not your job.   Only I can save myself.

I'm not always the happy go lucky, carefree, fun and light hearted woman you fell in love with.  I'm now at this moment struggling with understanding my own place in this world at this stage my life and my own feelings about what I want, deserve, or am obligated to do with respect to those who love me and rely on me.  I get berated with messages from my ex about my own happiness not being as important as Owen''s.   I feel weighted, heavy, full of resentment, guilt and sorrow.  I have a lot of work to do to rebuild my inner confidence and self love and I have a long road ahead with my dad. 

As you know all to well, I'm a doer so I've already begun taking steps to get back to my normal.  This has been a huge eye opening experience as to just how quickly my negative thinking has eroded my life and sapped all the energy out of yours.  You went from saying we should get married in early January to needing 2+ weeks to figure out why you couldn't get married to me after only 4 months time. I have accepted a new job that will be challenging and gets me back to doing the things I enjoy most.  I know I will be very busy and mentally stimulated in this position.  I'm scheduling therapy sessions again to help me work through these negative thoughts, help me re establish my confidence, personal boundaries and healthy coping mechanisms for living with my dad until such time he moves on to a senior apartment.

I thought of asking you to wait,  give me a chance to fix this with the knowledge of what I have just shared, however in talking about fairness, I don't think that's fair to you.  There's no guarantee of the outcome or no time frame I can promise.  All I can say is that I love you to my core and somehow you have helped "make it all go away" at times and I am so grateful for every minute we've ever spent together.  You are an amazing man and father and are more than I could have ever hoped for.  After our 1 1/2 years, I've never felt more in tune to someone than you.   I wish us both love and peace for our futures.