The end?

Well, I wish I could say I was able to hold out until you contacted me at the two week mark, but I was weak and texted you.

I was in a bit of a panic that night and things only got worse by morning.   So what did I do?  I called you.  The not knowing was too much for me to bare and I needed to hear something from you, get some sort of indication where you were in this process.  After that call?  I can only assume we are done and you are spending the rest of these days trying to figure out the best exit plan.  Fair enough. 

So as we close out this chapter, I want you to at least hear my side of the story as I've dissected myself over and over during our "break".  I know I haven't been my best self for some time, and lately I wouldn't want to be near me either.   I've been stressed with the uncertainly of my job from the moment my boss told me that his boss didn't want my position on the team.  Not knowing what may happen to my financial future is a scary proposition for someone who has no back up, no parents with deep pockets or even semi shallow pockets and people I love depending on me, including both my parents and brother.  This, plus having my dad live with me has been eroding at my sanity from day 1.  It was a big mistake and he and I have talked about this and agree.  It's not natural, I'm not suited for it and our home environment doesn't allow for any separation.

I feel like I've lost control over my one sanctuary, my home.  It's not mine anymore.  It's more my dad's than ever as he spending 20 out of 24 hours here every single day.  I've been secluding myself up to by bedroom at every possible moment to savor what's left of my own personal space.  It's the only place where I can drown out the sound of his coughing and constant grumbling and grunting over this and that.  I know I sound like a horrible daughter for even saying these things, but it's like torture I cannot escape.

So much negative thinking has gotten a hold of me in the past few months which I am partially attributing to how little time and mental attention my job actually requires of me, I'm unmotivated, bored and unchallenged.  I've been ruminating on everything that's not how I envisioned it would be and have been getting more and more frustrated by my lack of ability to do anything about it.  You're right, I am falling apart.  And unfortunately for you, you've been the recipient of some serious projection and lack of self-confidence.  Where things are going bad, I feel like I've lost control.  I've been leaning on you heavily to do exactly as you said the other day.  I'm looking to you for my own happiness in the face of so much negative.  I've been subconsciously hoping you could/would save me, but I know that is not your job.   Only I can save myself.

I'm not always the happy go lucky, carefree, fun and light hearted woman you fell in love with.  I'm now at this moment struggling with understanding my own place in this world at this stage my life and my own feelings about what I want, deserve, or am obligated to do with respect to those who love me and rely on me.  I get berated with messages from my ex about my own happiness not being as important as Owen''s.   I feel weighted, heavy, full of resentment, guilt and sorrow.  I have a lot of work to do to rebuild my inner confidence and self love and I have a long road ahead with my dad. 

As you know all to well, I'm a doer so I've already begun taking steps to get back to my normal.  This has been a huge eye opening experience as to just how quickly my negative thinking has eroded my life and sapped all the energy out of yours.  You went from saying we should get married in early January to needing 2+ weeks to figure out why you couldn't get married to me after only 4 months time. I have accepted a new job that will be challenging and gets me back to doing the things I enjoy most.  I know I will be very busy and mentally stimulated in this position.  I'm scheduling therapy sessions again to help me work through these negative thoughts, help me re establish my confidence, personal boundaries and healthy coping mechanisms for living with my dad until such time he moves on to a senior apartment.

I thought of asking you to wait,  give me a chance to fix this with the knowledge of what I have just shared, however in talking about fairness, I don't think that's fair to you.  There's no guarantee of the outcome or no time frame I can promise.  All I can say is that I love you to my core and somehow you have helped "make it all go away" at times and I am so grateful for every minute we've ever spent together.  You are an amazing man and father and are more than I could have ever hoped for.  After our 1 1/2 years, I've never felt more in tune to someone than you.   I wish us both love and peace for our futures.

Day 13

I just got off the phone with the marina about getting our boat ready for launch.  They wanted me to give them a launch date because since we aren't using Bay Harbor, we have to meet them at the public boat launch and take it over ourselves to the new marina.

My heart is now sinking thinking about what sort of conversation we may have after your taking a step back.  What if you don't want to be with me anymore?  What will I do with the boat?  What about your birthday plans/reservations I've already made?  What about our trip to Nashville?
I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of this year if you decide you're better off without me.

Why is this taking so long?  This is the absolute worst I've ever felt.  Recovering from this is going to be hard no matter what the outcome. I was thinking this morning about what it might be like when this is all over.  Let's say you tell me everything is fine or you just aren't ready yet and we continue on together.  The next time we touch, I'm nervous I will be just as scared as the day we met, but this time, it wont be because we have a blank slate, it will be because I'm worried I've lost something inside over these past two weeks. Have I lost faith in our relationship?  Has your love for me been real, did you discover otherwise or did you fall out of love with me?   I don't know what is keeping you from allowing yourself to go to the next level with me, but the fact something is now is burning a hole in my heart.  Every day we've been apart without your words make the hole grow bigger and bigger and my heart heavier and sadder. My chest literally aches and I find myself short of breath feeling overwhelmed by what you could be thinking about right now.  I am trying hard to imagine a scenario of something holding you back that has zero implications on our relationship, something unrelated to your feelings towards me and whether or not you feel I'm worthy of being your wife.  It's been hard to find something tangible to quell my fears, I haven't thought of anything yet.


I took a 2 mile walk today at lunch to try to clear my head.  This is after I ran 3.4 and walked another .9 miles this morning.  We can continue on as boyfriend and girlfriend for as long as you want/need.  I will appreciate the time we can spend with each other and try not to push you too hard to spend more or give more attention that you can provide.  I can't imagine me with out you or you with someone else.   I love you so much.

Day 11

 

My head is in turmoil.  One minute I'm feeling normal, sometimes even chipper, then the next, a wave of anxiety crashes over me and I'm sick to my stomach all over again with tears welling in the corners of my eyes.  It would appear as though this break is going to go the full 2 week duration and probably more given you will be getting your kids the day before day 14 hits and would be an inopportune time to talk, I would think.  I am starting to think about whether or not I will wait for you to open the dialog or if I should prompt you on Thursday afternoon if you haven't.

How am I coping?  I was about to put a valuation such as good/bad/ok... on my coping, however, I think I will cast aside my own self judgment and simply state the facts. 

1. I'm drinking heavily on days where my responsibilities and next day obligations are light 
2. I'm irritable with my father and have told him that moving in with me was probably a big mistake.  We didn't even talk about what would happen if x, y, or z occurred.  He agrees.   I cannot live my own life with him here, but now we are stuck at least for another 2 years.
3. I'm pushing myself hard at the gym. 
4. I'm crying in my car on the way home from work, upstairs in my bedroom at night, in the shower in the morning and sometimes when other stressors pile on top, in front of my son and father.
5. Today, I looked through facebook photographs of us together looking for visual queues of discontent on your face.  They were there in more than one instance over the past 6 months.
6. I've read more articles on "how women push men away", "how to keep your man" etc etc etc.  The common thread for lasting relationships is confidence, respect, appreciation, and happiness.
7. I've called my old therapist to see if she is accepting new clients

I guess what I'm am trying to figure out is how irrational or unfounded are my insecurities.  I have felt like a lesser priority to you than I have in the past which is causing me to act out negatively.  It's hard to be confident, appreciative and happy when you don't feel appreciated yourself and your man is saying and doing one thing one day, then the opposite the next.

You are the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time.  I'm scared of losing you.  So scared that I am clinging onto you for dear life which is only pushing you further away.  I've got to get a hold of myself and turn this ship around.

Day 7

It's been a week since you decided you needed to take a step back and evaluate why you are afraid to take the next step with me.

This is after the phone conversation we had just about a week prior where you said you've been unhappy for the past couple months.

The last time we saw each other was April 9th and I left in a rush without even saying a real good bye.  No hug, no kiss.  What if that ends up being the last time we see each other?  What I would do now to go back to that moment and hug you tightly until the strength in my arms ran out.

I'm not doing very well with this break at all.  I have gotten drunk in my bedroom alone at night twice in the past seven days.  The first time was Thursday night after you told me you needed this time.  I was so hung over, I couldn't even get out of bed the next day.  The second time was last night and I feel almost as bad as I did last time, but I couldn't stay home today too.  Sitting here at work, with nothing to do because there are no sales to call about, tying so hard not to look like a mess.  Feeling queasy from not only being hung over, but also from the perpetual knot in my stomach worrying about what thoughts you've been having about me and our relationship.

Please don't leave me, Eric.  I miss you so much.  I wonder, are you missing me?  Has this been hard at all for you?

Insecurity

I haven't taken my own advice.  Things get happy and comfortable again and so I relax and my brain stops bothering me, until the next time.  Then the next time happens, and happens again, and now I've really done some damage.  I truly am my own worst enemy. 

After our phone conversation, I've done some soul searching about how I feel and the reactions I've had to various events and interactions.  The hard part now is, my brain tells me you don't love me as much as I love you and every time I show my insecurity,  my brain tells me you love me even less.

In an effort to defend myself, I can't help but get upset when I see you get super excited to see or speak to another woman when I don't think I've seen that same excitement towards me lately.  It really doesn't matter who the woman is, but it is unfortunate the focus has been on the one person that makes the whole thing seem even more ridiculous.  I feel "less than" in those moments.  Jealous of how happy someone else makes you.  I should be happy you're happy!  I don't know why it bothers me and makes me feel bad.  There must be something wrong with me.  I know how good it feels when you are able to greet me when I arrive, like you are happy and excited to see me.  It's that feeling I am missing and it hurts to see you give it to someone else. 

Now the real question, is my thinking rational?

I probably have self esteem issues.  Do I not love myself enough?  Do I feel worthy of love?  Why am I so afraid of losing you, that I am not good enough for you.  I worry you'll wake up one day and look at me wondering "why am I with her?". 

Where the fuck is my confidence???  After all, I bet it was my confidence in the first place that you found attractive.  My neediness now is pushing you further and further away before my very eyes.  I am trying not to engage with you as much as I have in the past.  Maybe I'm expecting too much attention and approval from you when I need to look within. Perhaps I am spending too much time with you.  I have too much time on my hands at work.

Having my Dad living with me is also taking a toll on me as well.  Who knew his coughing, grunting, critiquing of my cooking, and bathroom habits would bother me so much?  Resentment and then guilt are eating away at me.