Well, here I am, on the verge of making a big decision. Shall I be real? Or shall I continue the write only on the fringe of my life? My biggest fear is that someone I know will find this and learn the truth, but isn't that what I really want, the truth to be known? Ultimately, I think my fear is reasonable at worst and probably wise at minimum. All I need is for some future potential employer to be amazing at tracking down a candidate's internet footprint and getting the impression I'm pyscho or to have family members learn of things that should have been discussed in person and not shared with the abyss that is the internets!
At the same time, however, there is this inner drive to be able to communicate the reality I do not share with people in my life. It's like a shameful diary that you sort of want people to read, but not really... does that make sense?
The need to communicate this reality is what I feel may keep me sane. After all, isn't the contrary like living in solitude? That typically doesn't end well, right? Especially after any length of time? I am not a prisoner, why should I live and feel like one?
All right so here's the skinny:
I love and hate my husband
- I've been to a family law attorney 4 times to start the divorce process
- I've created a list of "must haves" in our relationship in order for me to continue the marriage
- I think he has ADHD - in a big way, mind you... not just a little bit, like ruin your life ADHD.
- If he does not have ADHD, I hope there is some other medical/psychological explanation other than how it seems on the surface which would mean he's irresponsible, lazy and incredibly self-centered, and can't possibly really love me
- If he does not have ADHD or some other medical/psychological explanation, that means I'm the biggest co-dependent idiot ever
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