This post was originally written on 2/6/12.
Throughout my relationship with my husband, I acknowledged there were deficiencies in some very important areas. I consciously accepted them with the understanding where he lacked, I excelled and assumed there would be areas where he could reciprocate balancing things out. He did make me feel special. There were always little notes in my purse, briefcase, and pockets with messages of love which made me smile. He was a gentleman and I told myself it was ok that he didn't contribute financially to our household, as long as I was happy, I didn't care that much. But over time as we lived together, then got married, I kept waiting for him to step up and take more responsibility for his part in our life together in the here and now as well as in our future. I began to feel the strain of being responsible for both of our futures and was being met with annoyance and anger every time I wanted to discuss our finances.
I urged and encouraged him to get more predictable work, even inside jobs so he wasn't so exhausted all the time, falling asleep on the couch at 8 pm and staying there until 3 or 4 am, sometimes he came to bed just before my alarm clock would go off at 6. His response at every prompt was, "I'm trying". 2 years ago I introduced the concept of insanity; doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I kept telling him he needs to try something else, because whatever it is that he's trying.. isn't working. Impact? None. Night after night, I watched my marriage slowly become less and less fulfilling. Even with gentle prompting for change, this must have gone on for 4 years or more. Every year there was a new opportunity where I was saying to myself, "This is it! Things are finally going to work out." But alas, typically 3 months in, 6 at the most, he quits his steady jobs citing an "it's not me it's them" tune. Then it's another 6 months of sitting on the couch before I get frustrated enough to light a fire under him to start working again. It should be noted as well, that during all of these little battles about working, even when there money being earned by him whether through an employer or odd jobs, those funds never made it to paying a household bill. I was even buying his clothes. His motto: "Your money is our money and my money is my money". What he earned he spent on alcohol, dining out - often without me (because I worked everyday) pot and frivolous impulse buys that caught his eye while strolling down isles or on craig's list.
For those of you who know my husband, feel the need to take sides - specifically his, and may be following this blog, I will offer you this; I acknowledge the work he put into the home and realize I saved a lot of money in labor costs, but in no way am I impressed, given he was unemployed the whole time he worked on the house. And no one seems to take into consideration that I was there right next to him on the weekends or week day evenings with a paint brush, a hammer, nail gun, or caulk. It never should have taken 3 years to complete. And it still isn't finished! Every room I look in I see something he half-assed, because he was rip roaring drunk while he was working on it. Every really wonder how/why he fell off that ladder on the forth of july weekend? Yep, stinking drunk!
So, when I see my husband using the tools I bought him on the materials I purchased with money I had saved after I bought the house with a far less than professional outcome, I don't feel like there's much credit to be given. Had I hired a contractor, there would be some accountability for doing it right and 100%. I had finally gotten him to agree to hire a contractor because he decided he was done doing anything else with the house and there were odds and ends of leftover work to be done in every room. We gave him a walk through of the place and he surprised the heck out of me by saying he doesn't normally see such cheap material being used, even in HUD homes. Not sure exactly what that means, but my sense is there is often lower quality material used to keep the home prices affordable. Again, please note that after 4 days of the contractor working on finishing things up, Husband let him go and decided he would finish on his own. Any sporting wagers out there on whether or not he finished them? Come on... I dare you.
So anyway, I realized around the middle of this year, despite how much I try to set expectations and personal boundaries in my marriage, I am absolutely horrible at honoring them and following through with consequences. I've always listened and acquiesced to the excuses and felt maybe I hadn't been clear enough or didn't express just how important my needs are. Not only have things kept cycling over and over in this manner, leaving me feeling more and more resentful over his seeming lack of empathy for my feelings and pursuit of my goals, he also flipped a switch somewhere along the way where anger and rage have become a large part of who he is to those he's comfortable around. At first it was displayed as road rage or to others who did "stupid things". About 2 and a half years ago, the anger and rage turned on me. I've had to endure his verbal abuse since I'd estimate, middle of 2009. It was sporadic at first and usually came out when I requested his help around the house, wanted to talk about money or work or our future. I became ultra sensitive to the way in which I worded things at his request, to not set him off. I felt like if I could word this in the right way, he wont be so defensive and get upset. I played this game for about a year. There was no correct way to say things. It didn't matter, even when I said things the way he requested I should. The next time he got upset, he just recommended a different way for me to say it, sometimes he would lap his own suggestions and what didn't work before, should work now.. etc. Everyday I walked on eggshells. I had to evaluate how important it was to me to bring something up at the risk of being yelled at. Eventually, I became known as the controlling bitch. Then when I got pregnant, I was a crazy hormonal bitch.
After I had our son, I had one more glimmer that he would step up to the plate and feel responsible for providing for his family, but those hopes were quickly thwarted after watching him piss away a significant cash settlement on 4 cars, a motorcycle, two new wardrobes for 2 different job pursuits that have since fallen through, lavish gifts to friends and family (none of which was for our son) and more pot then I've ever seen him consume before. Once the fall came around, I decided I was going to ensure I stopped this vicious cycle that always left me feeling unimportant and incredibly unappreciated by documenting exactly what my needs and expectations were. I asked for some time where we could have a talk and I started by saying, I've written down things I need in order to stay in this relationship. I want you to think about each of these and determine whether or not you feel like these are things you want to do because if the only reason you do them is to try to keep me happy, then they will not be sustainable. You need to want to do these things because you believe they should be done.
- Keep a full time job
- No quitting without having a new start date in writing
- No "getting fired"
- Be responsible for the family health insurance
- Have household bills in your name and pay them
- No Pot - NONE
- no more than 4 drinks on any given night of the week, save 1
- Learn to speak to each other calmly - even when we disagree
- Continue therapy
To these things after a few days of consideration, he agreed saying he was 43 years old and should be doing this stuff by now.
Well, by the end of the year, he had pretty much failed on all of these with the exception of #3, and I can't be certain he's doing this either, but no utilities have been shut off yet, so I'll call that a pass for now. The definitive moment however was failing #2. When he told me he quit his stable job that he agreed to get the family insurance through (that I let go of through my employer per our agreement) because he was concerned about his integrity, that was the straw the broke the camels back. I cannot be a with a man who is more concerned about his own "integrity" as it relates to how his employer does business, than being concerned about health care and income for his family. It's at minimum, irresponsible, but more appropriately, reckless and selfish.
Here I am, after the holidays, waiting for my appointment with my attorney to discuss the temporary order we are planning to put in place on Friday. I'm pretty certain my husband does not yet have an attorney despite being served 3 weeks ago. This should be a very interested next 6 months. But I keep telling myself, I have no where else to go but up.
He came back to the home mid day to take Little One's crib (I had to put together a new crib that would stay in the home) and my husband was crying saying he get's why I'm doing this, and that his father (who passed away 9 years ago) would be ashamed of him. Three days later, when he was ready to have Little One overnight for the first time in his new apartment, I came over to check the place out and Husband asked me to stay for dinner. Over dinner he then proceeded to plead his case, saying he's had an epiphany.
