Coming up for Air

It's a rainy Tuesday morning just a week before Christmas.  I'm at home from work today since my son had gotten sick at daycare yesterday afternoon, and although he seems quite fine, it's their policy that a child must stay home for 24 hours after vomiting.  Normally, I'd look at this situation as a pleasant turn of events in which I can spend more 1 on 1 time with him and relish in it.  This time, however, my feelings are a bit hazy since I'm feeling a lot of pressure at work. 

Wondering whether or not you're job is at risk on a daily basis is not a healthy feeling at all.  It invites in doubt, fear, and sabotages your ability to be confident productive member of a team.  Hearing feedback that someone important in your organization doesn't feel as though you are competent, put me in a state of fight or flight.  It was important for me to fully digest what was said, and then figure out how I want to handle that information.

I'm still me, so I immediately got angry, felt blind sided, hung out to dry and felt there was no hope.  I started doing a mental inventory of what other possibilities might be out there for me, should the unthinkable happen.  But, then I waited.  I'm still waiting.  I want desperately to share my side of the story, however at the same time, I am not for fear even presenting a defense only validates it's worth discussion.

So here's what I have decided is the best approach.

1. Ensure I circle back with my manager and fully understand where he feels the gaps are in my performance
2. Ask for advice on how to address those gaps, and perhaps even ask what I should have done given the situation
3. Take it day by day doing my best always
4. NOT loosing my personal stability - by borrowing my time at home w/ my son to "make up" for perceived deficits.

It's important to me that I do keep a work/life balance.  I do not want to set my self up for short changing my son's time with me.  When I'm a mom, I'm a mom, that's is all.

Moving On

It has been months since I've posted last, and I must say, I needed the time away.  There were many times in the past months where I felt completely isolated and alone.  Visiting my family over labor day weekend was a huge boost to my reserves in terms of feeling loved and supported.  I've never felt such a strong connection to my roots as I did then.

Anyway, I'd like to give a brief update on the status of my divorce for probably the 2nd to last time and then move this blog into something more personally fulfilling.  More to come on what that will be later in this post.

UPDATE:  My home, which was originally up for sale as part of an initial settlement proposal, has been taken off the market; and just in the nick of time I might add.  It had been 5 months of keeping the home looking like a hotel, constantly picking up after a toddler and being on 24 hours notice for any potential viewings.  We probably had a total of 20-30 people walk through the home during that time and the feedback was always the same.  "Love the house, hate the location".   I can totally appreciate that sentiment as we live on the corner of a relatively busy street and also close the airport.
So there is always traffic noise to contend with as well as somewhat predictable flight noise.  I often curse living in this home for the same reasons, however, as we got into the 5th month of being on the market, the closing in of my son's birthday and also all the other holidays and family visitors I was planning, the idea of going through the selling/buying and moving process smack in the middle of the holidays was not something I wanted to deal with.  So, I did what I felt was right and offered a reasonable offer to my ex to buy him out.  He finally accepted informally.  But in true Murphy's law style, that was also the time at which people viewing the home seemed to have serious interest in the home.  Luckily, we were able to push the signatures through just in the nick of time to avoid potential offers on the home.  And now, the home is mine.  My son calls it home, it's the only "home" he's ever known, and I'm happy to stay here as long as it makes sense financially, logistically and emotionally.

The actual divorce settlement has been signed by all parties and is awaiting a judge's signature.  It's been about 3 weeks since it's been submitted to the court, so my expectation is this signature could happen any day now.  My ex has removed all his belongings that he "wanted" and once that judge's signature is in place, I can choose to do with those leftover items of his as I choose.  Granted there will be a financial impact to "discarding" some things, but I also anticipate there may be some financial gain over other items.  I haven't really taken the time yet to evaluate the leftover mess, but that's forthcoming.

I'm trying very hard to move on mentally and changing the locks and retrieving the garage door opener from my ex was a critical milestone in that effort.  I AM feeling a sense of personal ownership of the home again; a sense of privacy and that this is my sanctuary.  I wasn't able to feel this before two weekends ago.   So now, my life will be about figuring out exactly what it is I want out of life.  What are the things that I enjoy?  I tend to be a "Pleaser" so I find myself a bit at odds of figuring out what really makes me happy.  I get consumed by my responsibilities and trying to do the right things, I often loose my sense of self gratification.   That and providing the most nurturing and happy environment for my son are my most important goals in the near and far term.

So, what you can expect from my blog going forward will be messages dedicated to my progress in those areas as well as being a placeholder for the memorable moments I have with my son day in and day out.

Frequent Flyer

I made a decision today to sign my son up for a frequent flyer number with Delta airlines because we will have made a total of 4 trips out to Michigan (3 flying, 1 driving) in roughly 1 year.  At this pace, he will probably be eligible for a free flight by the time he's 10!

Here we are after landing in Detroit.  All smiles!  It wasn't until the last 10 minutes of the connecting flight where the little guy kept repeating over and over "All Done, All Done!" until it ended with a pacifier throwing fit that in all reality was pretty tame compared to most young travelers I've seen.

I get excited about taking Little One to new places and how comfortable he will be as an adult when it comes to traveling.  At the same time, however, each time I prepare myself to either push the "book now" or start packing for the trip, I also feel a rush of anxiety as I think about how challenging it is to travel with a toddler all by yourself.

In order to make these trips as smooth as possible, I have found a few tips and tricks that have proven successful along the way as well as lessons learned.  For instance, I always like to be prepared for almost any situation.  I hate the feeling of needing something and not being able to get it, so therefore I decided what were the most critical items that I could not do without while balancing how I would carry all of those things

1. Pacifier - for takeoffs and landings to help keep his ears from popping 
2. Single serve non perishable formula bottles for take offs and landings or for a nutritious beverage
3. Overnight diapers - these became obvious for me when we went on our first flight.  My son, even though he would have a fresh diaper when we started out on a flight, by the time we landed, often soaked through a regular diaper, so the overnights became necessary to avoid having to change my son's clothes at every stop for pee throughs
4. Teddy bear - this keeps him secure and/or is something he can interact with in make believe to keep himself entertained
5. Fruit/veggie pouches (3.4 ozs or smaller!)  The threshold for testing these food items is 3.4, however both security lines said they would allow the 3.5 to go through without requiring "testing".  These pouches are also a quick and non messy way to feed your Little One while on the go.
6. SNACKS!  Finding the right mix of snacks is helpful too.  I discovered in hot summer months, Cheerios tend to get stale very quickly, so I'm still cultivating my snack choices as well as the containers they are kept in.  The no spill snack cups are great, however, they are also the ones that tend to let the most air and moisture in over time. 
7. Carry-ons:  I'm trying to limit myself to just one carry on, which will be LO's diaper bag stuffed to the gills with the above items, a change of clothes for LO, Water Sippy cup and my purse.
8. Car seat/stroller:  For my most recent trip to Michigan, I had purchased and used this.  This would have been absolutely perfect for my trip had the isles of the plane been big enough for my car seat to fit through still attached.  Even though they were not, this is still the way to go if you plan on your child using their car seat on the plane.  This basically takes the place of a stroller if you have connections and must get from one gate to another and don't want to juggle bags as well as herding your children along the way while they walk.  At my son's current age (less than 2), I like to keep him contained until I know I can free up my own hands to deal with any rogue running/walking that may take place if he's mobile on his own.  This is also ideal if you do not have a need for a stroller where you are going, or have checked it through OR have one available  once you get to your final destination.
9. Conversely, on this upcoming trip, I opted to bring a stroller, not the car seat in hopes I could borrow/rent one if I needed it.  Doesn't look like I'll need it based on the short duration of the trip and the shuttles available between airport and hotel and hotel to wedding etc.
10. Checked Baggage:  Since I only have two hands and will be getting both my son and I to and from the airports by myself I needed to be mindful of how much I could physically get from point A to B by myself without putting my son in any danger.  And for me, that equals 1 checked bag in which both my and my son's clothing and stuff will have to go.  Luckily it's summer and only a 3 night stay.  My last trip with only one checked back was for a 5 night stay and was certainly full, but was very doable.
11. Contents of the checked bag of course included all the necessary clothing, but this time around since I'm staying in a hotel, there are items I can leave at home this time, like crib sheets/mattress pad.   The question I'm playing with now is whether or not I pack all the diapers and supplemental food I think I'll need for my toddler or have it shipped to the hotel for my arrival.  I think I can pack the diapers, but the food stuff I might ship ahead.  I'll have to see what it looks like once I start packing.  Also, I need to check out how close the hotel is to a store and perhaps shopping after check in is just as easy.

Lastly, my son is pretty darn long for his age and one of my concerns that I haven't figured out a resolution to is how big the crib/pack and play will be at the hotel.  He's been just about too big for ones he's stayed in most recently, so I'm assuming we'll encounter a similar problem this time.

Here he is in the Pack 'N Plan/Bassinet my Dad borrowed for us during our last visit home.  He pretty much needed to sleep diagonally and even then it looked a bit restricting for him.

So, if you didn't already know this by now, you've probably come to the conclusion I'm a pretty intense planner who spends a lot of time analyzing scenarios!  I'm hoping to have the most successful trip yet, which will only ensure at least one future trip to come.

I see myself already

I have to admit,  I secretly do an excited happy dance in my head every time somebody tells me my son looks just like me.

Yeah, sometimes I leave a little cracker on my face for later too!

But seriously, I have always hoped and dreamed about having children someday so I could nurture a little piece of myself in this world to become the best little human being possible.  I look forward to every moment where I can share a new experience with him, show him a new animal, hear a new sound, taste new foods, learn new words, and explore his physical abilities as he grows.  If I could give myself a bizarro name for how I perceive my responsibly to him, I'd call myself his "life sherpa".  It's my goal to help him succeed in his quests and to make the experience as positive and rewarding as possible.

This morning, not only did I recognize the physical attributes he and I share, but I noticed some emotional ones as well.  I'm not proud of how I found out my little boy is sensitive, just like me.  He was upstairs playing with telephone, because he LOVES to pretend to talk and push all the buttons.  Well, somehow, he got the magic combination of pushing buttons to get it on speaker phone and then pushing Talk which started to dial somebody .  I came running up those stairs as fast as I could and quickly grabbed the phone out of his little hands to hang up.  I'm sure the look on my face throughout this mad dash to get the phone was scary to him because as soon as I secured the phone and stopped the call from completing,  I looked into his face to see his little lower lip slowly start to pout and a frown started to emerge.  He was silent but very sad and he fell into my hug as I embraced him to say I was sorry for hurting his feelings and everything was OK.   I held him for a few minutes rocking him and reassuring him.  He never actually vocally started crying, but when we ready to move on and go downstairs, I saw that he had a silent little tear running down his cheek.

I felt awful.  So hard to see yourself in those moments, but I know can empathize better than most when I see him getting upset over doing something that made someone I cared for unhappy.  I used to cry too.

Weathering the Storm

This is going to be one of those figurative and literal kind of posts where I fill this whole page up with clever analogies and witty metaphors.  Are you ready, empty abyss?  Here we go!

It's raining today, alot!  I left my umbrella in the car today, and although I did wear my rain coat, there's just no substituting a good umbrella.  I wish I could feel the way this girl appears to feel as she is standing in the middle of it.  Lately, and when I say lately, I mean like for the past 10 years or so, every time it rains, I feel this desire to stay in bed, drink hot chocolate and watch Lifetime.   This is perhaps how I've learned to weather the storm.  Hunker down, get nice and cozy, grab a tasty treat and embark on a mental retreat into TV drama.

Is there more than meets the eye to my behavioral response to rain storms?  Let's see how this applies to my life

1. Something unpleasant or a hardship presents itself
2. Feel sad and loose energy
3. Look for a safe place to hide
4. Find a distraction to avoid dealing with the unpleasant thing or hardship
5. Fool oneself of finding pleasure in superficial, short term fixes or immediate gratification

So yeah, this is a formula that seems to proliferate my life lately when perceived negative experiences come my way.  I need to find ways to embrace the situation and uncover the positive, just like this young girl above.  Sure, I could avoid going out and getting wet OR I could run right out there, put my arms out wide and welcome in the warm rain and let it wash over me.  After all, its natures way of cleansing away the dust and dirt that each uneventful day accumulates before the next rain.

Am I grieving or what?

Time heals all wounds, they say... 

Who are "they" anyway and what the hell do they know?

Regardless, things on the divorce front have progressed very well from a tactical perspective.  We've come to agreement on a lot of outstanding items, in theory, and almost officially on paper.   My husband had put together a settlement proposal that was an attempt at wrapping up the last of the details that would get us through to when our son begins to attend school.  I am in agreement with 90% of it and am quite relieved to see has doesn't intend to suck the financial life out of me by wanting half of the money I saved for retirement while I was desperately trying to get him to save. We are in sort of a weird holding pattern since I have responded and recommended we parse out the agreed upon 90% and sign/file that portion while we try to work out the last 10%.

That was about a month ago.  Normally, I would be pushing to get an answer through my attorney, however, I've since had to pay another whopping bill to retain her services which puts me about at about $12,000 so far in attorney fees, I'm going to wait it out.  I am certain that my husband hasn't even come close to shelling out  even 25% of this since I've been discussing things with my attorney since October of last year.  Occasionally, I think about whether or not this was money well spent, but I quickly try to remember that I was very vulnerable, had a lot to lose and absolutely no support to get me through a very difficult time.  If $12k was the price of my sanity, it's been worth every penny.

So the house has been on the market for a a little over a week.   We've had two interested parties come look at it and another was scheduled for today, however they called and cancelled last night due to a work conflict.  No reschedule. Boo.

Hey, if any of my zero readers are interested in my home, check it out here:  My Home in Vermont


Not sure if it's because it's almost that time of the month or if it's because I have no other distracting drama going on, but I'm feeling incredibly sad today,  I've cried twice at work.   It just really bums me out that my husband either will not or is incapable of meeting my needs.  Doesn't matter whether he wants to or not, history has proven it wont happen regardless of why.  It's time to move on and find a way to get my needs met, all by myself.

The Divorce Roller coaster!

So, after my husband lost his 8th job in the past 7 years, continued to struggle with alcohol and pot, was consistently a mean/nasty jerk to me in front of my son, I decided to call it quits and filed for divorce after a 4.5 year marriage.  It was difficult, but fortunately I'm very self sufficient and am just hoping and praying I don't end up having to give him half my retirement money and alimony on top of that.  His lack of income isn't because of his inability to earn, it's because of his laziness and sense of entitlement.

Anyhoo, through my attorney I requested that he move out of our home to alleviate the tension and stress while we were going through this process.  He fully intended to stay living under the same roof until we sold our home.  NOT GOOD!  Since the house and all related bills/mortgage is in my name only, it made sense for me stay and for him to leave, but he procrastinated.  Finally, the issue got forced a little and I was prepared to file for exclusive use of the home which was enough for his attorney to advise that he leave of his own will.  Fast forward to "Moving Out Day".  It was unsettling to have him moving his furniture and stuff out, but it was also a huge relief to have him gone.  The weight lifted off me like a 2 ton truck!  For my Ex, however, it was a reality jolt that took him sideways.

He came back to the home mid day to take Little One's crib (I had to put together a new crib that would stay in the home) and my husband was crying saying he get's why I'm doing this, and that his father (who passed away 9 years ago) would be ashamed of him.  Three days later, when he was ready to have Little One overnight for the first time in his new apartment, I came over to check the place out and Husband asked me to stay for dinner.  Over dinner he then proceeded to plead his case, saying he's had an epiphany.
He was going to sober up for a while, he knows he treated me very poorly, trying to get a new job, he would even go to counseling again because he didn't really try very hard when we went... etc, etc. etc.
My response was, that's great, I hope you do all of those things, but I don't think you should do them with any expectations from me.   His last words on this topic was that he was just going to have to show me.  It was such a broken record!  I can recall at least 3 come to Jesus moments I've had with him where I've outlined these issues as being serious and damaging to the relationship and than I will not tolerate them.  At each instance, he's said these things before and said he would change, numerous times with no success, and I'm done. Period.  There is nothing he can show me between now and the final court date that will stop me from following through.

4 days after that, our temporary custody order is in place... he's a little unhappy with his inability to sell assets because we haven't figured out the assets settlement end of things yet...and a handful of other small items come up that require us to make decisions together.  I'm seriously noticing that he's not made any changes to how he treats me, he's still being a defiant jerk just for the sake of being difficult.  Doesn't seem like his epiphany had any staying power...

I just can't wait for the final court date to arrive and be done with this mess.

Only what you can handle

Somehow the world/universe, this thing called life knows exactly how much you can handle and ensures you bump up against that threshold at least once.  Arguably, I am experiencing one of the most challenging periods of my life right now.   It is a time where there is so much positive and so much negative happening all at the same time.

The positive?  

I have a beautiful and amazing 16 month old son who is the blood that runs through my body.  He is a part of me; I relish his every breath, smile, laugh and also anguish over his pains, frustrations and tears.  

The negative? 

I'm going through a very difficult divorce with little to no support.

If I'm not careful and allow it, I could find myself missing the most memorable of moments with my son because I get too focused on the negatives.  Everyday my son does at least one or two new things.  He learns so fast and is not afraid to try anything!  Feeling down and dealing with hurt and resentment are emotions that I do have to go through and process in order to move on and heal, but you better believe it wont be while Owen is awake!

My mother has always been a religious person, but I wasn't aware of just how much until after she and my father divorced after 38 years of marriage.  Although as a family until I was in 8th grade we all went to catholic church every sunday and said the lords prayer before dinner; to me, it seemed more like we were just going through the motions.  I didn't feel like religion was an integral part of our life, at least not my life anyway.  But alas, once my mother was on her own, she felt free to practice and be as vocal as she wanted about her faith.  And now given what's going on in my life, I can appreciate that.  

God must be bumping me up against my threshold right now because I need his help.  My company recently hired a new Vice President who sensed I was going through a difficult time and has been a great source of advice.  I am thankful for him being brought into my life just 5 months ago.  The timing cannot be a coincidence.   Here is the advice I have to keep reminding myself to take when I'm feeling overwhelmed and especially when I see my own negativity keeping me from enjoying the amazing positivity right in front of me.  

I hope you find the following helpful.

• respond vs. react – you can't control others behaviors if you can't control your own
• We sometimes have to live in a situation but the situation doesn't have live in us
• Focus on your circle of influence (things you control) and not your circle of concern (things you can't control)
• Don't ruminate on the negative actions or behaviors of others – if you catch yourself ruminating change the channel
• Focus your thoughts on a positive future state which you can envision with optimistic conviction – do not allow the logical part of your mind to worry about "the how" just stay optimistically focused on "the what" and let a higher life force than your own take charge of "the how"

No place to go but up

This post was originally written on 2/6/12.

Throughout my relationship with my husband, I acknowledged there were deficiencies in some very important areas.  I consciously accepted them with the understanding where he lacked, I excelled and assumed there would be areas where he could reciprocate balancing things out.  He did make me feel special.  There were always little notes in my purse, briefcase, and pockets with messages of love which made me smile.  He was a gentleman and I told myself it was ok that he didn't contribute financially to our household, as long as I was happy, I didn't care that much.  But over time as we lived together, then got married, I kept waiting for him to step up and take more responsibility for his part in our life together in the here and now as well as in our future.  I began to feel the strain of being responsible for both of our futures and was being met with annoyance and anger every time I wanted to discuss our finances.

I urged and encouraged him to get more predictable work, even inside jobs so he wasn't so exhausted all the time, falling asleep on the couch at 8 pm and staying there until 3 or 4 am, sometimes he came to bed just before my alarm clock would go off at 6.  His response at every prompt was, "I'm trying".  2 years ago I introduced the concept of insanity; doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.  I kept telling him he needs to try something else, because whatever it is that he's trying.. isn't working. Impact?  None. Night after night, I watched my marriage slowly become less and less fulfilling.  Even with gentle prompting for change, this must have gone on for 4 years or more.  Every year there was a new opportunity where I was saying to myself,  "This is it! Things are finally going to work out."  But alas, typically 3 months in, 6 at the most, he quits his steady jobs citing an "it's not me it's them" tune.  Then it's another 6 months of sitting on the couch before I get frustrated enough to light a fire under him to start working again.  It should be noted as well, that during all of these little battles about working, even when there money being earned by him whether through an employer or odd jobs, those funds never made it to paying a household bill.  I was even buying his clothes.  His motto: "Your money is our money and my money is my money".   What he earned he spent on alcohol, dining out - often without me (because I worked everyday) pot and frivolous impulse buys that caught his eye while strolling down isles or on craig's list.

For those of you who know my husband, feel the need to take sides - specifically his, and may be following this blog, I will offer you this; I acknowledge the work he put into the home and realize I saved a lot of money in labor costs, but in no way am I impressed, given he was unemployed the whole time he worked on the house.  And no one seems to take into consideration that I was there right next to him on the weekends or week day evenings with a paint brush, a hammer, nail gun, or caulk.  It never should have taken 3 years to complete.  And it still isn't finished!  Every room I look in I see something he half-assed, because he was rip roaring drunk while he was working on it.  Every really wonder how/why he fell off that ladder on the forth of july weekend?  Yep, stinking drunk!
So, when I see my husband using the tools I bought him on the materials I purchased with money I had saved after I bought the house with a far less than professional outcome, I don't feel like there's much credit to be given.  Had I hired a contractor, there would be some accountability for doing it right and 100%.  I had finally gotten him to agree to hire a contractor because he decided he was done doing anything else with the house and there were odds and ends of leftover work to be done in every room.  We gave him a walk through of the place and he surprised the heck out of me by saying he doesn't normally see such cheap material being used, even in HUD homes.  Not sure exactly what that means, but my sense is there is often lower quality material used to keep the home prices affordable.  Again, please note that after 4 days of the contractor working on finishing things up, Husband let him go and decided he would finish on his own.  Any sporting wagers out there on whether or not he finished them?  Come on... I dare you.

So anyway, I realized around the middle of this year, despite how much I try to set expectations and personal boundaries in my marriage, I am absolutely horrible at honoring them and following through with consequences.  I've always listened and acquiesced to the excuses and felt maybe I hadn't been clear enough or didn't express just how important my needs are.  Not only have things kept cycling over and over in this manner, leaving me feeling more and more resentful over his seeming lack of empathy for my feelings and pursuit of my goals, he also flipped a switch somewhere along the way where anger and rage have become a large part of who he is to those he's comfortable around.  At first it was displayed as road rage or to others who did "stupid things".  About 2 and a half years ago, the anger and rage turned on me.  I've had to endure his verbal abuse  since I'd estimate, middle of 2009.  It was sporadic at first and usually came out when I requested his help around the house, wanted to talk about money or work or our future.   I became ultra sensitive to the way in which I worded things at his request, to not set him off.  I felt like if I could word this in the right way, he wont be so defensive and get upset.  I played this game for about a year.  There was no correct way to say things.  It didn't matter, even when I said things the way he requested I should.  The next time he got upset, he just recommended a different way for me to say it, sometimes he would lap his own suggestions and what didn't work before, should work now.. etc.  Everyday I walked on eggshells.  I had to evaluate how important it was to me to bring something up at the risk of being yelled at.  Eventually, I became known as the controlling bitch.  Then when I got pregnant, I was a crazy hormonal bitch.

After I had our son, I had one more glimmer that he would step up to the plate and feel responsible for providing for his family, but those hopes were quickly thwarted after watching him piss away a significant cash settlement on 4 cars, a motorcycle, two new wardrobes for 2 different job pursuits that have since fallen through, lavish gifts to friends and family (none of which was for our son) and more pot then I've ever seen him consume before. Once the fall came around, I decided I was going to ensure I stopped this vicious cycle that always left me feeling unimportant and incredibly unappreciated by documenting exactly what my needs and expectations were.  I asked for some time where we could have a talk and I started by saying, I've written down things I need in order to stay in this relationship.  I want you to think about each of these and determine whether or not you feel like these are things you want to do because if the only reason you do them is to try to keep me happy, then they will not be sustainable.  You need to want to do these things because you believe they should be done.

1. Keep a full time job
1. No quitting without having a new start date in writing
2. No "getting fired"
2. Be responsible for the family health insurance
3. Have household bills in your name and pay them
4. No Pot - NONE
5. no more than 4 drinks on any given night of the week, save 1
6. Learn to speak to each other calmly - even when we disagree
7. Continue therapy

To these things after a few days of consideration, he agreed saying he was 43 years old and should be doing this stuff by now.

Well, by the end of the year, he had pretty much failed on all of these with the exception of #3, and I can't be certain he's doing this either, but no utilities have been shut off yet, so I'll call that a pass for now.  The definitive moment however was failing #2.  When he told me he quit his stable job that he agreed to get the family insurance through (that I let go of through my employer per our agreement) because he was concerned about his integrity, that was the straw the broke the camels back.  I cannot be a with a man who is more concerned about his own "integrity" as it relates to how his employer does business, than being concerned about health care and income for his family.  It's at minimum, irresponsible, but more appropriately, reckless and selfish.

Here I am, after the holidays, waiting for my appointment with my attorney to discuss the temporary order we are planning to put in place on Friday.  I'm pretty certain my husband does not yet have an attorney despite being served 3 weeks ago.  This should be a very interested next 6 months.  But I keep telling myself, I have no where else to go but up.

Ok, so out with it, already

This post was originally written on 10/13/11.

Well, here I am, on the verge of making a big decision.  Shall I be real?  Or shall I continue the write only on the fringe of my life?  My biggest fear is that someone I know will find this and learn the truth, but isn't that what I really want, the truth to be known?  Ultimately, I think my fear is reasonable at worst and probably wise at minimum.  All I need is for some future potential employer to be amazing at tracking down a candidate's internet footprint and getting the impression I'm pyscho or to have family members learn of things that should have been discussed in person and not shared with the abyss that is the internets!

At the same time, however, there is this inner drive to be able to communicate the reality I do not share with people in my life.  It's like a shameful diary that you sort of want people to read, but not really... does that make sense?

The need to communicate this reality is what I feel may keep me sane.  After all, isn't the contrary like living in solitude?  That typically doesn't end well, right?  Especially after any length of time?  I am not a prisoner, why should I live and feel like one?

All right so here's the skinny:

I love and hate my husband

1. I've been to a family law attorney 4 times to start the divorce process
2. I've created a list of "must haves" in our relationship in order for me to continue the marriage
3. I think he has ADHD - in a big way, mind you... not just a little bit, like ruin your life ADHD.
4. If he does not have ADHD, I hope there is some other medical/psychological explanation other than how it seems on the surface which would mean he's irresponsible, lazy and incredibly self-centered, and can't possibly really love me
5. If he does not have ADHD or some other medical/psychological explanation,  that means I'm the biggest co-dependent idiot ever

But here's the problem; I love my husband. I would pay (almost) any amount of money to have him "get it" and start acting the way a real husband and partner should.