The Divorce Roller coaster!

So, after my husband lost his 8th job in the past 7 years, continued to struggle with alcohol and pot, was consistently a mean/nasty jerk to me in front of my son, I decided to call it quits and filed for divorce after a 4.5 year marriage.  It was difficult, but fortunately I'm very self sufficient and am just hoping and praying I don't end up having to give him half my retirement money and alimony on top of that.  His lack of income isn't because of his inability to earn, it's because of his laziness and sense of entitlement.

Anyhoo, through my attorney I requested that he move out of our home to alleviate the tension and stress while we were going through this process.  He fully intended to stay living under the same roof until we sold our home.  NOT GOOD!  Since the house and all related bills/mortgage is in my name only, it made sense for me stay and for him to leave, but he procrastinated.  Finally, the issue got forced a little and I was prepared to file for exclusive use of the home which was enough for his attorney to advise that he leave of his own will.  Fast forward to "Moving Out Day".  It was unsettling to have him moving his furniture and stuff out, but it was also a huge relief to have him gone.  The weight lifted off me like a 2 ton truck!  For my Ex, however, it was a reality jolt that took him sideways.

He came back to the home mid day to take Little One's crib (I had to put together a new crib that would stay in the home) and my husband was crying saying he get's why I'm doing this, and that his father (who passed away 9 years ago) would be ashamed of him.  Three days later, when he was ready to have Little One overnight for the first time in his new apartment, I came over to check the place out and Husband asked me to stay for dinner.  Over dinner he then proceeded to plead his case, saying he's had an epiphany.
He was going to sober up for a while, he knows he treated me very poorly, trying to get a new job, he would even go to counseling again because he didn't really try very hard when we went... etc, etc. etc.
My response was, that's great, I hope you do all of those things, but I don't think you should do them with any expectations from me.   His last words on this topic was that he was just going to have to show me.  It was such a broken record!  I can recall at least 3 come to Jesus moments I've had with him where I've outlined these issues as being serious and damaging to the relationship and than I will not tolerate them.  At each instance, he's said these things before and said he would change, numerous times with no success, and I'm done. Period.  There is nothing he can show me between now and the final court date that will stop me from following through.

4 days after that, our temporary custody order is in place... he's a little unhappy with his inability to sell assets because we haven't figured out the assets settlement end of things yet...and a handful of other small items come up that require us to make decisions together.  I'm seriously noticing that he's not made any changes to how he treats me, he's still being a defiant jerk just for the sake of being difficult.  Doesn't seem like his epiphany had any staying power...

I just can't wait for the final court date to arrive and be done with this mess.

Only what you can handle

Somehow the world/universe, this thing called life knows exactly how much you can handle and ensures you bump up against that threshold at least once.  Arguably, I am experiencing one of the most challenging periods of my life right now.   It is a time where there is so much positive and so much negative happening all at the same time.

The positive?  

I have a beautiful and amazing 16 month old son who is the blood that runs through my body.  He is a part of me; I relish his every breath, smile, laugh and also anguish over his pains, frustrations and tears.  

The negative? 

I'm going through a very difficult divorce with little to no support.

If I'm not careful and allow it, I could find myself missing the most memorable of moments with my son because I get too focused on the negatives.  Everyday my son does at least one or two new things.  He learns so fast and is not afraid to try anything!  Feeling down and dealing with hurt and resentment are emotions that I do have to go through and process in order to move on and heal, but you better believe it wont be while Owen is awake!

My mother has always been a religious person, but I wasn't aware of just how much until after she and my father divorced after 38 years of marriage.  Although as a family until I was in 8th grade we all went to catholic church every sunday and said the lords prayer before dinner; to me, it seemed more like we were just going through the motions.  I didn't feel like religion was an integral part of our life, at least not my life anyway.  But alas, once my mother was on her own, she felt free to practice and be as vocal as she wanted about her faith.  And now given what's going on in my life, I can appreciate that.  

God must be bumping me up against my threshold right now because I need his help.  My company recently hired a new Vice President who sensed I was going through a difficult time and has been a great source of advice.  I am thankful for him being brought into my life just 5 months ago.  The timing cannot be a coincidence.   Here is the advice I have to keep reminding myself to take when I'm feeling overwhelmed and especially when I see my own negativity keeping me from enjoying the amazing positivity right in front of me.  

I hope you find the following helpful.

• respond vs. react – you can't control others behaviors if you can't control your own
• We sometimes have to live in a situation but the situation doesn't have live in us
• Focus on your circle of influence (things you control) and not your circle of concern (things you can't control)
• Don't ruminate on the negative actions or behaviors of others – if you catch yourself ruminating change the channel
• Focus your thoughts on a positive future state which you can envision with optimistic conviction – do not allow the logical part of your mind to worry about "the how" just stay optimistically focused on "the what" and let a higher life force than your own take charge of "the how"