Family

Ages: 12, 11 and 4.  Girl, Boy, Girl and I met them tonight over dinner at your house.  In just the 3 hours I spent with them and you, I could tell how much they respect you and what great kids they are.  They want your approval and love and isn't that what should be at the core of any solid relationship with your kids?

Sure it was a little noisier than I'm used to, however, you said and I agree, it's just first meeting excitement for everyone.  I'm so glad you introduced me to them.  Not that I doubted it before, but it shows commitment to us and that I'm the type of person you want your children to know.  I'm thankful you regard me in this way.

I continue to look forward to each milestone we pass through, holding our breath before during and then after briefly to check in with the other on how we thought it went.  So far so good.  No show stoppers, not even any show slowers. 

Assuming everyone has some sort of hopeful notion of what the perfect partner is to them, I am yet again amazed at how you've managed to embody those qualities I have conjured up.  Better still, you let them unfold in front of me in the most natural and humble way - exhibiting those perfect qualities of my perfect man.  At this point, I can only assume one of three things:

1. You aren't human
2.  I'm schizophrenic and none of this is really happening
3. You've been reading my thoughts since you were born :-)

It really doesn't matter, though, in the end.  What matters is I think you are so wonderful, so extraordinary, and I'm so happy that you continue to choose me.

I love you.

I would change my name for you

What the hell happened?  Wasn't I just complaining to you when we met about what a hassle changing your last name is?  And now I'm sitting here in disbelief, knowing full well if you were to ask me to marry you, I would change it without question, after saying yes of course.

Wait a minute, did I just write that?  Didn't I also say that I didn't think I would ever consider marriage again?  You have completely turned me upside down, inside out, and lifted me higher than I've ever felt before.  We've talked about soul mates and life partners - what those are; and I really hope we are both of those things to each other.  We've joked about being 90 and still holding hands or doing a little frisky butt grabbing in public.  I want all of that and I want it with you.

While we were saying our 2 hour + good byes last night, I stared into your eyes.   The hope that I never lose faith or trust in you burned through my consciousness and I then made a decision.  Whether or not Marriage is in our future, I decided YOU are the man I will love as my soul mate and life partner.  I'm all in. I'm yours.  I can't even fathom I could ever love another man as much as I love you. I want to serve you in our relationship such that our love is always growing stronger.  Before you get weirded out by my use of the words "serve you", in my mind service of this type is intrinsically rewarding for not only you and I too, but our families.  The health of our relationship allows other relationships to also benefit from the strong core of our love. 

Corny/cheesy?  Yes.  Do I believe it like I've never believed anything before?  Yes.  I'll say it again, What the hell happened?  It's like suddenly everything I once had faith in but was let down by in some way has suddenly come back to life and is restored.

Endurance

[en-doo r-uh ns, -dyoo r-] 

noun

1.

the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, etc.

2.

the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue,stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina:

He has amazing physical endurance.

3.

lasting quality; duration:

His friendships have little endurance.

4.

something endured, as a hardship; trial.

 

We are nearing 60 days of knowing, liking, and now loving each other.  We eclipsed one holiday in Thanksgiving and I feel quite fortunate for the timing of this holiday.   General circumstance and also the newness of our relationship played a role in us spending this holiday apart from each other.  We did communicate a lot throughout the day; it was nice to keep in touch with you at various intervals despite the busy happenings that come with the holiday.  Thank you for keeping me close in your thoughts, as you were close in mine.

 

I call this entry Endurance because although my feelings of love for you are fresh, and my heart still skips beats when I see you or hear the 'ding' of my phone in anticipation of a message from you, now is also the time I want to be mindful of the stresses of everyday life and their ability to erode away at even the most durable of things. I'm making a promise to myself to always remember you are a priority and to act accordingly.  I will be strong and endure through hardships such that our love stays strong and endures as well.  

 

I feel confident that I will get out what I put in and so I'm giving all of myself to you.  There's something freeing and joyous about letting go and trusting you. 

 

 

EEM & RMB bucket list

1. Watch a Sunset
2. Watch a Sunrise
3. Go to a Red Wings/Bruins game - DONE
4. Go Sailing
5. Road trip to the Ocean and include a sunset on the beach
6. Weekend Trip to Random Place for silly reason - DONE/Manchester
7. Visit Petoskey Michigan - DONE
8. Slow dance - DONE
9. Dress up and go out for New Years Eve - Kiss at Midnight = DONE
10. Make each other's favorite Dinner
11. Lay in bed on a Sunday Morning and have Coffee together = DONE
12. Travel to New Zealand
13. Go Fly Fishing in New York for salmon
14. Go skinny dipping
15. Couples Massage = DONE (sort of)
16. Make Glumpkie together
17. Travel to tropical island/place enjoy hammock and umbrella drinks
18. Go to an amusement park - DONE
19. Camping
20. Tubing
21. Formula 1 racing
22. Ride mechanical bulls
23. Go to a dude ranch
24. Grand Canyon
25. Ice Hotel
26. Broadway Musical
27. Louvre
28. Go to Greece & Mediterranean
29. Drive down the west coast - wine tasting - vineyard tours
30. Buy a Boat = DONE
31. Lay in bed all day together

Man in the Arena

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

― Theodore Roosevelt


Approaching date #9 this weekend, I contemplate this quote.  Yes, this quote and dating; seems like quite a stretch.  There is no war, nor do I expect to have my face marred by dust sweat or blood, but there is a worthy cause and a great devotion in front of me that I may openly opt into this weekend.   Opting in requires saying those un-retractable three words; I love you. 

I feel it happening.  It's crazy.  I know there is plenty about you that I don't know, but what I do know I'm so in love with.  Being the first one to say I love you is a scary thing.  I don't think I have ever been the first one to say it.  Falling in love for me as an adult has always been a slow, trust building type of love.
This love is different.  It's different in that you have a physiological effect on me, and not just in the hormonal attraction sort of way, but in an even more basic way.  My heart pounds harder and faster, I loose my breath, gasp for air and sometimes it brings me to tears of joy.  I want to jump in head first and show you I'm fully yours, I want to be your partner and take on all that life gives and takes.

You couldn't have said a more perfect statement the other day, "I'm going to appreciate the hell out of you".  It's raw, speaks to me in a way as if you knew how important this is to me. You couldn't have said anything more meaningful to me taking my growing feelings for you and catapult them into I have to tell you I am falling in love with you realm.

So this weekend, I intend to throw myself into the arena.  I don't want to ever be a cold and timid soul who never knows victory nor defeat.  

 

Boyfriend/Girlfriend

At the same time we hit the 30 day mark, my Dad has moved in.  Calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend is also another milestone.  Blissful is the word that comes to mind when I think about how I feel when we are together, when we are talking on the phone or texting and even when I'm just thinking about you.  And I get to call you my boyfriend!  Somebody pinch me... no wait... don't pinch me... I don't want to wake up.

I keep wondering whether or not I've felt this much intensity for someone before.  I know I've been in love in the past and I'm telling myself that those times must have also felt like this and it's just that this experience is so fresh and rewarding after disappointing dates with numerous previous suitors. But part of me questions my rationalizing and downplaying of what is, quite honestly, the best feeling I've had for someone that I can recall, ever! 

Will this wind down over time?  Can it sustain if it's nurtured?  Do I know how to nurture it?  I never would have imagined a person could be this blissful and full of energy inside where you feel like you are going to explode with pure joy because you can't possibly handle this powerful emotion.

You're so real, so calming, accepting, perfect to me with your imperfections. More please :-)

Date #5 in the books and #6 tonight!

Yesterday as I was feeling growing excitement about having you over again and how this time there will be no time constraints, I became aware and slightly unsettled, that I have not been as proactive with verbally sharing my feelings towards you as you have been with me.

It seems like I find myself saying, "me too" and "I feel the same way" a lot.  And while those words are true, you deserve to hear more than this. 

When we met,  I felt immediate attraction and  was drawn to you in a way where you feel the energy of the other person and it just makes you feel good and want more. This feeling isn't fading.
You are incredibly thoughtful, such a gentleman, you take care of yourself and you posses the qualities I believe are very important to me.  When I say you are amazing and wonderful, I mean it.  You have me craving our next meeting, feeling happy/content/passionate when we are together, and missing you only moments after we part.

It's a bit scary to be involved in something so wonderful and so fragile at the same.  And by fragile, I mean worthy of great care and respect.  I really like you a lot.  We seem to be on the same page in this regard.  Not sure how much better this can get, but I know there's a lot more for me to give.  I can hardly wait to get there.

 

Date #4

Oh boy!

 

 

 

I don't really know where to begin this post but to say I have never felt more "me" than when I am with you.  Fortunate does not come close to describing how I feel that we came into each other's lives.  There are times where it seems like both of us want to say something more, share more feelings, become more vulnerable with each other, but yet, it has only been 4 dates, so we are cautious.  I think both you and I have over used the words, "like you a lot'.

 

I have only encountered a few times in my life where I have felt a sense of trust enough to 

break down my barriers and let myself be vulnerable to another person.  I'm getting the sense you might be in the same place I am.  We are on the cusp.

I am attracted to you, I respect you, I appreciate what you've already done for me in terms of kindness and returned respect.  If you feel the same, I look forward to our partnership.  There's just something about you that is familiar, right, and exciting all at the same time.

You?

Yes, we met online and chatted a little bit here and there.  I wasn't sure what your motivation was and I was swimming in the sea of being irritated with online dating.

You see, I've been at this game for about 3 years now.  I have met a few high quality men through this venue, so I kept trying.  I honestly wasn't sure what you were up to and I discounted you.  I'm so sorry.  You should be regarded at a premium. 

You, however, are amazing.  Such a gentleman.  Seemingly no baggage or hangups.  How is that possible?  I hope you see the best in me.  So looking forward to knowing you more.

Excerpt from The Four Agreements

If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you.  If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her.  Walking away may hurt for awhile, but your heart will eventually heal.  Then you can choose what you really want.  You will find you do not need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.

Desperate

Here I sit at work on a Friday, not really working.  I don't want to be here.  I want to stuff my face full of food, but I'm getting fat despite going to the gym 4 times per week and getting my heart rate up for 30 minutes.  Not sure what's up with that, but I'm pissed.

I'm still mad about my kitchen, that's still not done
My dad is finally moving out here at the end of October.

• One way flight out to Michigan purchased
• Clearing out his bedroom so it's ready
• Trying to fix the stairs in the garage in such a way so that we can both get our cars in the garage

My son's Birthday party is scheduled and I've been planning and organizing. 

• Gifts are purchased
• Eggless Cupcake mix/recipe in the pantry
• Bowling alley party reserved
• Invitations sent

Waiting for my wood guy to call me back and deliver the last cord of wood I paid for back in April
Lots of stuff to do in general around the house and I seem to generally tackle one thing every other weekend.  I'm going to need to step up the pace if I want to see real progress by winter.

I'm not very pleased with myself or what's going on in my life right now.  Driven to plan my life by goals I need to let go of, I find myself feeling more and more like a failure.  My dream of finding a mate to share my life with seems to be literally behind most of my decisions and actions, none of which have had positive outcomes.

I am desperate for real love.

I'm sorry I'm not sorry

I never asked for any of this and now you are blaming me.
This is repeat of history if there ever was one, and you'll never even notice it.

You asked me if I would consider you doing renovations on my house.  My reply?  I would consider it, as long as we both got what we needed.  The context?  You needed work/money and I needed renovations.  Had I known you were hoping these renovations would lead to us getting back together, I never would have agreed to have you do the work had I known you had ulterior motives.

You were not used.  I've paid you 3 times and twice now without even the benefit of an invoice.  Sure you gave me a discounted hourly rate, but did I asked for that?  No!  Did I say thank you when I saw it?  Yes.

You inherently keep reminding me what a good decision I've made, despite how often you want to tell me how different you are.

You may be different.  You may even be better than you were, but I want the best or nothing at all.  
I've worked hard my entire life to be who I am and who I continue to try to be.  You knocked me down farther than I've ever been knocked down before and I'm still rebuilding.

Now I'm angry to be in this place yet again.  Why do I let down my guard?  Can't I just be who I am?  Why do you have to mistake my kindness for opportunity?  I don't want to be mean and cold.

Always wishing

"The Nicest Thing"

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

-Kate Nash

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nt3el-QY2i8