Ups and Downs

I imagine, for the reader, my ups and downs seem pretty intense.  And given I'm the person writing about them, that's my intention as my perception and the way I feel about them is intense.  If I'm taking the time to write about something going on in my life, you better believe it's of significant importance.

This year has been a bit of a struggle and so much so that sometimes I wonder if things will ever be as good as they once were ever again. AND not only that, is the current status quo sustainable for me emotionally?  Because I have found myself considering whether or not I will be able to let go of my mistrust,  I need to find a way to forgive so I can let go of my hurt and fear, but I am struggling to do so.  While I was going through the time apart - and he was dating his ex wife, I remember telling my dad, "If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything".  I didn't know it was as significant as it ended up being at the time, but it makes my statement even more prophetic.  I really really really want it to be true.

There has been some light at the end of this tunnel.  I believe he has started ring shopping.  He slipped and told me as much this weekend.  His words were a little muddled, but I think he may have even purchased it already???  That's a huge sigh of relief to know that he's ready and willing to go there.  I haven't gotten the feeling in the past year that he considers me wife material.  I don't know why, but I just don't feel it from him.

Easter Eve

This just might be my most hated holiday.  Today is really solidifying my disdain.

So this time two years ago, my boyfriend was rekindling his relationship with his ex wife, while telling me he just needed some time to figure out why he was having a hard time committing to me.  I didn't find out what was really going on until a year and a half later and after I had moved in with him.  I found out just weeks before my father got really sick and decided he didn't want to continue on with dialysis anymore.  Effectively, he was ready to end his life.

The timing of this couldn't have been anymore difficult for me.  What do I do?  I just moved in?  I can't possible tell my dad about all of this while he's looking for me to be strong enough to let him go.

It's all still very difficult for me to deal with and I'm only seeming to handle it by avoiding feeling about it as much as I possibly can.

So let's fast forward to today.  I just got home from a work trip, which I thought went as smoothly as it ever has between my boyfriend and I.  I was really excited to come home and see him.  I thought he was excited to see me too.  The first night went fine, however, today he had to get up early and go to work.  Right off the bat our first communications were really labored.  I'm not sure what happened, honestly.  It was like a switch flipped.  Since then he's been so indifferent to me, not holding my hand, not looking in my direction, not conversing with me unless I converse with him.

I've asked him multiple times what is going on and I just get the "Im tired" response, however, he only seem too tired to talk to or show affection to me.  Everyone else is getting his attention and his affection.

Could he be texting someone else right now?
What the actual fuck is going on?