Day 7

It's been a week since you decided you needed to take a step back and evaluate why you are afraid to take the next step with me.

This is after the phone conversation we had just about a week prior where you said you've been unhappy for the past couple months.

The last time we saw each other was April 9th and I left in a rush without even saying a real good bye.  No hug, no kiss.  What if that ends up being the last time we see each other?  What I would do now to go back to that moment and hug you tightly until the strength in my arms ran out.

I'm not doing very well with this break at all.  I have gotten drunk in my bedroom alone at night twice in the past seven days.  The first time was Thursday night after you told me you needed this time.  I was so hung over, I couldn't even get out of bed the next day.  The second time was last night and I feel almost as bad as I did last time, but I couldn't stay home today too.  Sitting here at work, with nothing to do because there are no sales to call about, tying so hard not to look like a mess.  Feeling queasy from not only being hung over, but also from the perpetual knot in my stomach worrying about what thoughts you've been having about me and our relationship.

Please don't leave me, Eric.  I miss you so much.  I wonder, are you missing me?  Has this been hard at all for you?

Insecurity

I haven't taken my own advice.  Things get happy and comfortable again and so I relax and my brain stops bothering me, until the next time.  Then the next time happens, and happens again, and now I've really done some damage.  I truly am my own worst enemy. 

After our phone conversation, I've done some soul searching about how I feel and the reactions I've had to various events and interactions.  The hard part now is, my brain tells me you don't love me as much as I love you and every time I show my insecurity,  my brain tells me you love me even less.

In an effort to defend myself, I can't help but get upset when I see you get super excited to see or speak to another woman when I don't think I've seen that same excitement towards me lately.  It really doesn't matter who the woman is, but it is unfortunate the focus has been on the one person that makes the whole thing seem even more ridiculous.  I feel "less than" in those moments.  Jealous of how happy someone else makes you.  I should be happy you're happy!  I don't know why it bothers me and makes me feel bad.  There must be something wrong with me.  I know how good it feels when you are able to greet me when I arrive, like you are happy and excited to see me.  It's that feeling I am missing and it hurts to see you give it to someone else. 

Now the real question, is my thinking rational?

I probably have self esteem issues.  Do I not love myself enough?  Do I feel worthy of love?  Why am I so afraid of losing you, that I am not good enough for you.  I worry you'll wake up one day and look at me wondering "why am I with her?". 

Where the fuck is my confidence???  After all, I bet it was my confidence in the first place that you found attractive.  My neediness now is pushing you further and further away before my very eyes.  I am trying not to engage with you as much as I have in the past.  Maybe I'm expecting too much attention and approval from you when I need to look within. Perhaps I am spending too much time with you.  I have too much time on my hands at work.

Having my Dad living with me is also taking a toll on me as well.  Who knew his coughing, grunting, critiquing of my cooking, and bathroom habits would bother me so much?  Resentment and then guilt are eating away at me.