Ups and Downs

I imagine, for the reader, my ups and downs seem pretty intense.  And given I'm the person writing about them, that's my intention as my perception and the way I feel about them is intense.  If I'm taking the time to write about something going on in my life, you better believe it's of significant importance.

This year has been a bit of a struggle and so much so that sometimes I wonder if things will ever be as good as they once were ever again. AND not only that, is the current status quo sustainable for me emotionally?  Because I have found myself considering whether or not I will be able to let go of my mistrust,  I need to find a way to forgive so I can let go of my hurt and fear, but I am struggling to do so.  While I was going through the time apart - and he was dating is ex wife, I remember telling my dad, "If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything".  I didn't know it was as significant as it ended up being at the time, but it makes my statement even more prophetic.  I really really really want it to be true.

There has been some light at the end of this tunnel.  I believe he has started ring shopping.  He slipped and told me as much this weekend.  His words were a little muddled, but I think he may have even purchased it already???  That's a huge sigh of relief to know that he's ready and willing to go there.  I haven't gotten the feeling in the past year that he considers me wife material.  I don't know why, but I just don't feel it from him.

Easter Eve

This just might be my most hated holiday.  Today is really solidifying my disdain.

So this time two years ago, my boyfriend was rekindling his relationship with his ex wife, while telling me he just needed some time to figure out why he was having a hard time committing to me.  I didn't find out what was really going on until a year and a half later and after I had moved in with him.  I found out just weeks before my father got really sick and decided he didn't want to continue on with dialysis anymore.  Effectively, he was ready to end his life.

The timing of this couldn't have been anymore difficult for me.  What do I do?  I just moved in?  I can't possible tell my dad about all of this while he's looking for me to be strong enough to let him go.

It's all still very difficult for me to deal with and I'm only seeming to handle it by avoiding feeling about it as much as I possibly can.

So let's fast forward to today.  I just got home from a work trip, which I thought went as smoothly as it ever has between my boyfriend and I.  I was really excited to come home and see him.  I thought he was excited to see me too.  The first night went fine, however, today he had to get up early and go to work.  Right off the bat our first communications were really labored.  I'm not sure what happened, honestly.  It was like a switch flipped.  Since then he's been so indifferent to me, not holding my hand, not looking in my direction, not conversing with me unless I converse with him.

I've asked him multiple times what is going on and I just get the "Im tired" response, however, he only seem too tired to talk to or show affection to me.  Everyone else is getting his attention and his affection.

Could he be texting someone else right now?
What the actual fuck is going on?

Anguish

February came with some bumps and bruises.  I know that you texted Kate shortly after or even during an evening where I was super unhappy, we were arguing and I was piss drunk. 
If you are wondering who Kate is; it's my boyfriend's ex girlfriend.  The one who was 24 years old while he was 36/37...It's also the girlfriend that he took to Florida with his entire family, rode horses with with Heidi.  Its the girlfriend he had move into his home after only dating her for weeks?! 
It took him 2 years of dating me to ask me to move in.  It's the girlfriend Riley seemed to really take a liking to. 

You deleted this text conversation out of your phone, but not from your watch, which is why I know it happened.  Why are you deleting it, what are you hiding from me?  What was the full conversation?  This happened in early February.  Why haven't you blocked her on your phone?  Why do you continue to stay in touch with her?   I want you to delete all your pictures from your phone and iCloud of her.  She's in her underwear in most of them.  Do you still look at them from time to time?  Please delete her contact from your account/phone.

Also, I found her on Facebook and Instagram, now I know exactly who she is.  She likely is the person who created the arm band tattoos that had your kids names in them.  While we were in Mexico, you mentioned getting a tattoo again, which was after the texting conversation I know you had with her.  Is that a coincidence?  She's also a tattoo artist, which is why I asked who you would have do it... your answer, "I don't know"... yes you do. Boy that felt super shitty to have to think of you thinking of her on our vacation.

While we were in Mexico in early March, we did have a nice time.  You asked me about engagement rings, which is a huge step in the right direction, but sometimes I wonder if you are just killing time until life presents you with a different choice.  Because you don't seem to actually go after what you want in life.  You let life happen to you.  I'm growing weary.  There's so much I love about you, but so much I don't understand, and not sure I can deal with for the rest of my life.  How can you see me in emotional pain and just walk away?  Is that acceptable in your mind to leave me hurting without a word of acknowledgment?  Plus with all of this secrecy and Kate bullshit, I'm at a loss as to what you are really up to.  This doesn't feel good any more.