After I moved in, things felt great between us, like a sigh of relief in some ways. It was nice to come home to you and all the kids. I enjoy helping around the house, making dinners, and grocery shopping. All those fun domestic things I would normally be doing for just Owen and I, but now larger scale. There are of course also some of those nagging little things popping up here and there like not getting enough attention, wondering why you hide your texts from me by keeping it on vibrate or face down, or my personal favorite, wondering why it doesn't seem you want to have sex!
Here's how the insecurity erosion started again. After seeing more of your ex at drop offs/pick ups and also at the kids events, I began to dissect your body language around her. It was quite uncanny how at baseball games, we were always sitting in an area where you would need to always look in her direction to watch the game, and how I was always seated on the other side; never in your line of sight and unable to be sure exactly what you were looking at. Something would happen in the game and you two would exchange glances, smiles or even laughs. I began to feel very out of place. Even your parents would choose to sit and talk with her more than me. I wanted your reassurance, to hold your hand, for us to be having conversation, to place our chairs somewhere she wasn't in view at all times. Anything to make me feel like I wasn't slowly melting out of the picture. Pretty quickly, I began to think back to that time we spent apart. While we were separated, I often wondered if you were seeing someone else, kissing them or worse, sleeping with them. It was over a month before you and I saw each other again and then it occurred to me given your schedule, your Ex would be the perfect candidate for something like that. She plugs right back into your life regardless of you or your kids schedules. I also found it interesting how your mom and others who normally commented on my facebook posts, suddenly went cold. They knew something and went silent on me. Also when I asked you what you told your kids about our time apart, you said, "Nothing". You don't stop seeing your steady girlfriend for over a month and not have to answer questions. It didn't add up at all.
My need for answers to everything that didn't make sense pushed me to cross a line and I invaded your privacy. Your password was not a secret to me, but that wasn't a secret either. It certainly doesn't make it right, but it didn't feel like a cardinal sin either. I remember your words regarding your cousin's texts saying you had nothing to hide, so I did it. I read through your texts on your old phone. I wanted to see the dialogue between you and her to get a feel if there were any emotions, flirting or whatever between you. I didn't stop there. I read your texts to Angela, your kids, your mom. I read all the way back as far as I could including when we took our break. Before I focused in on that time frame, my stomach felt sick already. There was a noticeable lack of talking about me. In the few times I was mentioned, it reeked of indifference. If I were any one of those people and was asked what I meant to you, I certainly wouldn't have believed that you loved me. So when I read something from her to you about "not telling me what happened", my heart started pounding and my quest to find answers in more texts pushed me further. I found your son's text asking if we had broken up. I was surprised by your answer because you told him yes. Right there, my heart broke. That's not what my understanding was of our time apart. You told me that you just needed two weeks to sort through your feelings and why you weren't ready to fully commit to me. If you had the break up perspective right off the bat and shared it with your family, I knew anything was possible during that time. And two weeks turned into 30+ days. Reading on further to get more understanding, I found a text from your mother about your ex wanting to be at one of your kids birthday parties, but she couldn't because you hadn't told me about getting back together with her. And this had all been relayed through your son to your mom. So your kids know this secret and they too have been keeping it from me. What a terrible feeling to know that an ENTIRE family you want to be a part of; is hiding something from you.
My need for answers to everything that didn't make sense pushed me to cross a line and I invaded your privacy. Your password was not a secret to me, but that wasn't a secret either. It certainly doesn't make it right, but it didn't feel like a cardinal sin either. I remember your words regarding your cousin's texts saying you had nothing to hide, so I did it. I read through your texts on your old phone. I wanted to see the dialogue between you and her to get a feel if there were any emotions, flirting or whatever between you. I didn't stop there. I read your texts to Angela, your kids, your mom. I read all the way back as far as I could including when we took our break. Before I focused in on that time frame, my stomach felt sick already. There was a noticeable lack of talking about me. In the few times I was mentioned, it reeked of indifference. If I were any one of those people and was asked what I meant to you, I certainly wouldn't have believed that you loved me. So when I read something from her to you about "not telling me what happened", my heart started pounding and my quest to find answers in more texts pushed me further. I found your son's text asking if we had broken up. I was surprised by your answer because you told him yes. Right there, my heart broke. That's not what my understanding was of our time apart. You told me that you just needed two weeks to sort through your feelings and why you weren't ready to fully commit to me. If you had the break up perspective right off the bat and shared it with your family, I knew anything was possible during that time. And two weeks turned into 30+ days. Reading on further to get more understanding, I found a text from your mother about your ex wanting to be at one of your kids birthday parties, but she couldn't because you hadn't told me about getting back together with her. And this had all been relayed through your son to your mom. So your kids know this secret and they too have been keeping it from me. What a terrible feeling to know that an ENTIRE family you want to be a part of; is hiding something from you.
Devastated. Embarrassed. Ashamed. A fool. My memories of anything that happened before May of 2016 fucks with my head in ways you can't even imagine. It's funny how I brought up that podcast of the husband and wife who found out her husband had been cheating on her for 20 some years. You seemed to take an interesting stance on her decision to stay with him. Little did I know then, it was because you had your own secret of cheating. Cheating is exactly what it was too, there was absolutely no expectation communicated between us regarding seeing anyone else.
I did make a mistake, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snooped. It took me two days of misery trying to hide the darkness I felt in my heart and pretend as though nothing was wrong. Trying to look at you the same way I did before I knew the truth. Continuing to be intimate with you wondering all the while, were you intimate with her? Did she sleep in this bed? I know you invited her to use your shower, so although after I decided to go ahead and ask if you got back together with her, to which you said yes, and when I also asked if you slept with her, you said no; I don't believe you. But I need to believe you. Getting over you having sex with anyone else while maintaining you still love me would be too much for me to bare especially seeing her interact with you for the rest of our lives together. Every time I see her, I feel nauseous. I wonder if my body already knows the truth.
I don't know what to do. I haven't been able to deal with this well. I lied to you by saying I just had my suspicions and then confronted you. And although the suspicions part was true, I'm not sure whether I would have eventually asked you about it or not. That time has always troubled me and eats away at my confidence in how I feel about our relationship. Having my dad pass away just a few weeks after I found out sort of put a huge pause on this issue. I haven't been able to fully process what I have learned and come to peace with the situation since I'm still working through losing my father. Sometimes when I cry for no apparent reason, it's because I miss my dad, but almost just as often, it's because I'm still hurting from this. I have been trying to keep my sanity in a time of my life where the people I put the most trust in are either gone now or not who I thought they were. I feel betrayed. I'm trying to find a way forward and hoping writing my thoughts allows me to "take out the trash" and move on.
But here's the thing, it was a real surprise on our phone call after the first couple weeks where you told me you hadn't been happy for a couple months. We agreed to tell each other when things were bothering us to give each other a chance to hear and try to fix. You didn't give me that chance at all. What if things had worked out between you and her? None of this would have made any sense to me. It would have been better for you to be honest with me all along letting me know that she wanted to try again the moment you considered it a possibility. It was only Mid January, 3 months before this separation where we spent the night in the Barnstead Inn, had an incredibly romantic time, and you said, "We should get married." You told me you loved me; over and over and over again. They are the same words then as they are now. They sound no different to me, but what does it really mean to you? What kind of love is that? Do I need to live in constant fear that any woman from your past may present a compelling argument for you to try again?
I really wish I could erase everything that has happened so I could think of you the way I used to. I miss that blissful ignorance when you inspired me to want to be better, better like you. Just thinking about you used to put a glimmer in my eye. That glimmer has dimmed and when I allow myself to feel the hurt, it's now replaced with tears. Every anniversary where we add another year is a reminder that you were ready to give it away after the first one.
God, please help me forgive.
