Day 31 - It wasn't the last time

Finally!!!!  Holy shit!  That seemed like an entire lifetime between the last time I saw you to our dinner date last night. 

After we agreed a handful of days ago to have dinner, as that day got closer, my stomach began to get more and more knotted and even the day of left me feeling nauseous at times.  I had no idea what to expect from you with respect to our previous closeness and intimacy.  Would you want to hug me?  Kiss me?  I was nervous how I was going to react to seeing you finally also.  I was afraid I would break down in tears of either or both overwhelming joy in seeing you again and also releasing all the pent up hurt I've felt over the past 31 days.

Luckily, you came to my house to pick me up and I met you outside in the garage where we had privacy to react and respond without judgmental eyes.  We said Hi and then hugged.  I hugged you so hard and I could feel my breath get ragged.  My eyes welled with tears, but I held them back.  Pretty sure I heard some attempted suppressed gasping come out of my mouth too, but all in all, I think I kept myself together quite well given what chaos was rolling around inside.

It was an exciting date.  It felt much like our first in the way we looked at each other, but like one of our best in the familiarity and warmth of our closeness.  It was real, it was love, it was respect.  It was nice to have back.

Our next date is planned, with your family for Mother's day brunch.  I'm looking forward to seeing them all again and how the rest of the day will unfold.

Together again and it feels so good.

The Talk

After my panic attack, we agreed we would talk on Sunday late afternoon and I said that I really wanted to see you. I hadn't heard from you all day on Sunday until 7:30 pm when you asked if we could talk in a few minutes.    You were either not ever really on board with getting face to face, or you had a busy day and couldn't make the time.

If I'm being honest, I believe that you didn't want to be face to face with me knowing that our conversation may end up in our breakup.  Guessing by some of the word choices you made that you quickly tried to correct, I think you expected we would break up on that phone call.  So here's a quick recap of what I heard you say:

1. You do not want to get married or live together, maybe not ever, but for a very long time.  You enjoy your own personal space and time and do not want to give it up
2. you are concerned that the longer we live apart, the harder it will be to come together as we get set in our ways
3. You do love me
4. You will not tolerate being with someone who says or does things to another for the sole purpose of hurting them

Here's a quick recap of what I believe I said:

1. I love you and do not want our relationship to end
2. I know I haven't been my best self and am going to therapy to learn to deal with my stress, and let go of projecting and negative communication tactics
3. I don't want to grow old alone 
4. I am not 100% sure I can be happy, but I feel like we need to give it a chance.  Breaking it off now versus a little more time needed for me to figure things out doesn't have that much of an impact

I've been doing a lot of reading today of articles with titles along the lines of : "What if your boyfriend doesn't want to get married or move in?"   There are a couple schools of thought one where it would seem the outcome is doomed and you will never have a committed partner and the other where this sort of relationship can be very successful as long as the couple is committed to one another, secure and are getting their needs met.

I am still grappling with some feelings of rejection because at one time, living with me at least and sharing our lives together was definitely something you proactively brought up.  As time drew on and I started talking more about such a plan, I could feel you drawing away.  It's really hard for me to know if it was the growing reality of it happening that pushed you away or if it was my immature communication when I snapped at you when filled with jealous anger, or some other unnamed drunken outburst where I was super shitty to you.  

In either case, I have to decide if this arrangement will meet my needs.  I need to get through some counseling to help me determine that as currently I'm not feeling like a whole person.  It's important to me to keep boundaries, so while I feel your need to withdrawal and keep your space, I also will be protecting myself.  We agreed to cut back on how much time we are spending with each other.  I haven't felt very good when I've gone down to your house during the week, especially when you have your kids because your evenings are typically hectic and I feel more of a nuisance than a welcomed guest.   I also brought up we should and will likely need to not text as much.  If you want to live physically separate lives by choice, I don't think it's fair to overcompensate being in each other's life virtually,  We barely texted at all today, and I'm trying to be reserved and allow you to lead so I can get a sense of what works for you.  We also haven't decided when the next time we will see each other will be.  Based on the "day after" emotions, I think I will leave the invitations up to you.  It's fair to say you might not even ask until just before Mother's day weekend, which is almost 2 whole weeks away.

I really miss you.  I want to see you face and look into your eyes to see the truth your eyes cannot hide.  I want to kiss your lips and feel the honesty of your love.  I want to feel your arms around me and feel the strength of you real commitment to our relationship.   I need these things as a starting point so I can begin my healing process.