It's all about respect

Yesterday, as I was meeting my therapist at 7:10 am and discussing my interpersonal expectations in my personal life, it occurred to me that I also apply the same levels of expectation in my business/career life.  Which got me wondering, should those expectations be the same?  Is it even possible to shift from one level to another like flipping the 9-5 switch, so to speak?

Good, bad or indifferent; the answer for me is they are one in the same.  Largely I think, because what I do to earn a living or occupy 66% of my waking hours contributes to how I define myself.  Monday through Friday, I'm 66% Director and Project Manager.  I'm always 100% wife and 100% mom, but I'm also 66% who I am at work.  That's enough time for me to really lay some claim to that personality as a part of who I am.  Please excuse the funky math, but I hope you follow what I'm saying.

Now the foundation has been laid, all that mumbo jumbo is to basically say, I expect to be spoken to and treated the same way in and outside of  the office, in and out of the home,  as well as, in and out of public.  Likewise, I hold myself to the same expectation that I will speak to and treat everyone in each of those contexts the same.  It seems pretty fundamental and obvious, doesn't it?  Then, why is it so hard?

Here are my expectations while I'm at work:

• While someone is talking, pay attention and do not interrupt
• If you do not agree with someone or something, it's ok to say so, but be prepared to justify why 
• Realize your opinions may be dismissed for any number of reasons, but you shouldn't take it personally
• Be rational at all times 
• If you have the ability and approval to drive action or create change, do so if it is the "right thing to do" and will better align with your personal philosophy or vision
• If someone sends you an email, acknowledge receipt at a minimum, if it's likely you wont have the ability to address the email completely in a timely manner
• "Timely" can be perceived differently from person to person.  Be specific i.e. 2 days, 2 hours, 2 weeks. etc.
• You may not like everyone you work with, but be friendly and courteous at all times.  Nobody likes an unsavory working environment.

I could probably go on and create an incredibly robust list here, but the point I'm trying to illustrate is these sets of rules do translate from environment to environment.   It really bothers me when people forget some of the fundamental rules of engaging with people, especially when it occurs between people whom you feel should have a higher degree of respect for one another.

You know that old saying that goes something like:  Put a nail in a tree every time you say or do something to hurt someone's feelings.  Take one out every time you say your sorry.  You might be able to remove all the nails, but the holes they leave behind will be there forever.  People may forgive, but they rarely forget.

When it rains... Well, you know the rest

Sometimes I feel like if it didn't actually happen to me, I would never believe it if someone else told me the same story!

The evening of July 12th, I came home from work to hear a message on our answering machine from my aunt on my Mom's side. This is incredibly rare since I probably only see this aunt once a year, if that. Not to mention, how did she get my phone number? The message went on to say how my mother wasn't feeling very well and my uncle had taken her to the emergency room at her request around 4 am and she was admitted for more tests. I called her room to see what was going on and how she was feeling etc. She apparently had trouble breathing, heaviness in her chest and was uncomfortable and sweating profusely and after being bothered by these symptoms for over 6 hours, she finally gave in and called someone. After the next few days, the doctors determined she was having heart failure due to a bad mitral valve. At the end of the work week, we spoke and told me she would need to have open heart surgery as soon as they could reduce the fluid that had formed in and around her heart and lungs. They were going to put her on Lasix over the weekend and test those fluid levels on Monday morning. A bit distracted by this new information, I chose to leave work after talking to my boss. I picked up my son from daycare and went home. I made a few phone calls to more family members like my dad and brother and my head is now spinning trying to figure out what I should do.

After getting my husband up to speed on the situation with a little bit of back and forth dialog between us, these are the thoughts I was kicking around in my head:

1. I need to be at the hospital to support my mom before and after the surgery.

2. I don't want to be without my son overnight

3. My husband just got a new job and doesn't want to come with me

4. He doesn't want me to take our son with me

5. I don't want to leave our Son alone with him

6. Buying plane tickets on 2 days advance notice is going to be a financial gouge;

and a host of other thoughts that make my decision making process a minefield. Keeping this section brief, after a hefty argument between my husband and I and him calling his mother, my husband decided we would all go and we would fly. I made the reservation to arrive on the day they were going to test her fluid levels (Monday) and stay for 4 days. The total cost was a little over $3000.00. A small price to pay when it comes down to being there for my mother and also for myself too (After all this is my mother who's heart is going under the knife!). But wait, there's more! Turns out after we arrive on Monday, they set a loose timeframe of the surgery for Wednesday or Thursday. The situation is not ideal given our itinerary because I wanted to be there for some of her recovery time, but doable.

Another day or two goes by and my mother calls a family meeting. It's now the day before we leave; she will not be having the surgery in our home town, rather at U of M Cardiac center.

There's a new appointment with a new surgeon 2 weeks later during which she'll get a new surgery date. I'm trying my best to not be frustrated because it's no ones fault I shelled out 3K and will have to go through this whole process all over again. On the positive, I am happy she was ok enough to be released from the hospital that night. I drove her home at 9 pm, picked up her Rx's and also went to the grocery store to get her healthier food. I didn't get back to my Dad's house until 10:30 that night. I was exhausted. Oh by the way, did I mention temperatures were in the 90's the whole week we were there and my father doesn't have air conditioning? It was brutal. Oh yeah, and my husband bought an air conditioner for my mother bringing our out of pocket up to $3,500.

Maybe it was the few beers he had, or the extended period of time he had to watch our son, but when I got home, he said the next time it would be ok if I wanted to take him with me. We chit chatted briefly then I went to bed since we had to get up early to get on the road to the airport about 90 minutes away. Fast forward to our flights home... on our connection from DTW to BTV, Delta decided to bump us all from our seats despite my diligence in being the first in line to get my family seat assignments. I was livid. The Delta gate agent SUCKED and in fact, I'm still waiting for someone to get back to me regarding my complaint I filed online. So running out of formula and diapers, we manage to get home 7 hours later than we should have, but we made it. And I'll never fly Delta again if I can help it.

So this story is getting very long and painful, but I'll just throw the rest on top so you can see how disasters multiply in my life. The following week, my husband lost his job followed the next day by my son coming down with a 104.9 fever that took a day and a half to break.

Then learning my mothers new surgery date is August 30th and isn't guaranteed, she could get bumped and rescheduled and the reschedule date depends... definitely not flying this time.

I also get to look forward to spending the weekend at my MILs so we can have our son baptized and then on to Rhode Island with her for a couple beach days. I'm getting the sense she is not so keen on me lately, and my assumption is the conversation my husband and she had about taking our son with me to Michigan had something to do with it. The last weekend of August involves going to my husband's 25th anniversary class reunion, in which his mother is staying in a hotel with us so she can babysit while we attend the dinner. I'm grateful to have her with us for the babysitting. It's quite a relief. From there however, I'll be getting in the car and heading out to Michigan, hopefully with Owen, maybe with my husband... who knows. I'm sure it will come up if not this next weekend, then the class reunion weekend.