Boredom

I returned to the work force from Maternity leave on January 3rd.  Often times, people say the transition back to work for a first time mom can be very difficult.  I would have to agree, especially given my situation.  Not only did my transition include going back to work full time, but I also was starting at a new company in a new industry, which happened to acquire my old company while I was on leave.  Also, the department in which I was placed was brand new, no budget,  void of any concrete deliverables,  processes or rules of engagement within the organization.  Oh and did I mention I was the director of this department managing a subset of my previous companies employees,  3 of them plus an existing employee who had been with the new company for about 3-4 years?

I tried my ass off for 3-4 months to set up a Vision, Mission statement, Goals, Rules of engagement, power point presentations describing what we did and what each person did within the group all the while trying to deliver 3 priority requests of the president.  My boss happened to be too busy with "other priorities" to provide any feedback as we completed the priority requests on time.  My emails were ignored, my meetings with him, if not canceled all together, were cut short often by 45 minutes or more because of more important interruptions.  By the 4th month, I was pissed off and tired of trying when my own boss seemed not to care.  The morale in our team suffered since I was unable to provide answers to my team who still felt their own sense of not fitting in yet too.   Our team's deliverables were being criticized by others and my own boss did not step up to defend us, rather he hung us out to dry saying he did not know what we were working on, etc.  This is when I decided I wouldn't be working for him for long. 

I didn't know if that meant I would be quitting my job all together or if I would be looking for a new position within the company.  Frankly, I was wanting to quit my job, period and stay at home with my little guy instead of my husband who neglected to secure day care or get a job do it.  I was seething mad inside and out, with no ability to illicit change for the better.  By month 6, I had found the courage to go to the President and deliver a presentation that contained an organizational chart for my team that did not have my name on it.  I wasn't sure what the outcome was going to be, but I knew I couldn't continue as I had been.  I was on the verge of a breakdown, of that, I was certain.

Luckily, the president was impressed with my presentation and wanted to help me find my way in the organization.   This meeting was on June 20th and it's now October 12th... I am just now, unofficially, being moved into another department into a new role.  I've been bored at work (if you count when I really gave up) for about 5 months.  If I must continue to work and be the provider for my family, it would be nice to finally have a "home" in this organization and be a positive contributor.  Otherwise, it would probably be in everyone's best interest for me to leave.... AND BE ABLE TO STAY AT HOME WITH MY LITTLE MAN!

Ok, Vent over.

It's all about respect

Yesterday, as I was meeting my therapist at 7:10 am and discussing my interpersonal expectations in my personal life, it occurred to me that I also apply the same levels of expectation in my business/career life.  Which got me wondering, should those expectations be the same?  Is it even possible to shift from one level to another like flipping the 9-5 switch, so to speak?

Good, bad or indifferent; the answer for me is they are one in the same.  Largely I think, because what I do to earn a living or occupy 66% of my waking hours contributes to how I define myself.  Monday through Friday, I'm 66% Director and Project Manager.  I'm always 100% wife and 100% mom, but I'm also 66% who I am at work.  That's enough time for me to really lay some claim to that personality as a part of who I am.  Please excuse the funky math, but I hope you follow what I'm saying.

Now the foundation has been laid, all that mumbo jumbo is to basically say, I expect to be spoken to and treated the same way in and outside of  the office, in and out of the home,  as well as, in and out of public.  Likewise, I hold myself to the same expectation that I will speak to and treat everyone in each of those contexts the same.  It seems pretty fundamental and obvious, doesn't it?  Then, why is it so hard?

Here are my expectations while I'm at work:

• While someone is talking, pay attention and do not interrupt
• If you do not agree with someone or something, it's ok to say so, but be prepared to justify why 
• Realize your opinions may be dismissed for any number of reasons, but you shouldn't take it personally
• Be rational at all times 
• If you have the ability and approval to drive action or create change, do so if it is the "right thing to do" and will better align with your personal philosophy or vision
• If someone sends you an email, acknowledge receipt at a minimum, if it's likely you wont have the ability to address the email completely in a timely manner
• "Timely" can be perceived differently from person to person.  Be specific i.e. 2 days, 2 hours, 2 weeks. etc.
• You may not like everyone you work with, but be friendly and courteous at all times.  Nobody likes an unsavory working environment.

I could probably go on and create an incredibly robust list here, but the point I'm trying to illustrate is these sets of rules do translate from environment to environment.   It really bothers me when people forget some of the fundamental rules of engaging with people, especially when it occurs between people whom you feel should have a higher degree of respect for one another.

You know that old saying that goes something like:  Put a nail in a tree every time you say or do something to hurt someone's feelings.  Take one out every time you say your sorry.  You might be able to remove all the nails, but the holes they leave behind will be there forever.  People may forgive, but they rarely forget.

When it rains... Well, you know the rest

Sometimes I feel like if it didn't actually happen to me, I would never believe it if someone else told me the same story!

The evening of July 12th, I came home from work to hear a message on our answering machine from my aunt on my Mom's side. This is incredibly rare since I probably only see this aunt once a year, if that. Not to mention, how did she get my phone number? The message went on to say how my mother wasn't feeling very well and my uncle had taken her to the emergency room at her request around 4 am and she was admitted for more tests. I called her room to see what was going on and how she was feeling etc. She apparently had trouble breathing, heaviness in her chest and was uncomfortable and sweating profusely and after being bothered by these symptoms for over 6 hours, she finally gave in and called someone. After the next few days, the doctors determined she was having heart failure due to a bad mitral valve. At the end of the work week, we spoke and told me she would need to have open heart surgery as soon as they could reduce the fluid that had formed in and around her heart and lungs. They were going to put her on Lasix over the weekend and test those fluid levels on Monday morning. A bit distracted by this new information, I chose to leave work after talking to my boss. I picked up my son from daycare and went home. I made a few phone calls to more family members like my dad and brother and my head is now spinning trying to figure out what I should do.

After getting my husband up to speed on the situation with a little bit of back and forth dialog between us, these are the thoughts I was kicking around in my head:

1. I need to be at the hospital to support my mom before and after the surgery.

2. I don't want to be without my son overnight

3. My husband just got a new job and doesn't want to come with me

4. He doesn't want me to take our son with me

5. I don't want to leave our Son alone with him

6. Buying plane tickets on 2 days advance notice is going to be a financial gouge;

and a host of other thoughts that make my decision making process a minefield. Keeping this section brief, after a hefty argument between my husband and I and him calling his mother, my husband decided we would all go and we would fly. I made the reservation to arrive on the day they were going to test her fluid levels (Monday) and stay for 4 days. The total cost was a little over $3000.00. A small price to pay when it comes down to being there for my mother and also for myself too (After all this is my mother who's heart is going under the knife!). But wait, there's more! Turns out after we arrive on Monday, they set a loose timeframe of the surgery for Wednesday or Thursday. The situation is not ideal given our itinerary because I wanted to be there for some of her recovery time, but doable.

Another day or two goes by and my mother calls a family meeting. It's now the day before we leave; she will not be having the surgery in our home town, rather at U of M Cardiac center.

There's a new appointment with a new surgeon 2 weeks later during which she'll get a new surgery date. I'm trying my best to not be frustrated because it's no ones fault I shelled out 3K and will have to go through this whole process all over again. On the positive, I am happy she was ok enough to be released from the hospital that night. I drove her home at 9 pm, picked up her Rx's and also went to the grocery store to get her healthier food. I didn't get back to my Dad's house until 10:30 that night. I was exhausted. Oh by the way, did I mention temperatures were in the 90's the whole week we were there and my father doesn't have air conditioning? It was brutal. Oh yeah, and my husband bought an air conditioner for my mother bringing our out of pocket up to $3,500.

Maybe it was the few beers he had, or the extended period of time he had to watch our son, but when I got home, he said the next time it would be ok if I wanted to take him with me. We chit chatted briefly then I went to bed since we had to get up early to get on the road to the airport about 90 minutes away. Fast forward to our flights home... on our connection from DTW to BTV, Delta decided to bump us all from our seats despite my diligence in being the first in line to get my family seat assignments. I was livid. The Delta gate agent SUCKED and in fact, I'm still waiting for someone to get back to me regarding my complaint I filed online. So running out of formula and diapers, we manage to get home 7 hours later than we should have, but we made it. And I'll never fly Delta again if I can help it.

So this story is getting very long and painful, but I'll just throw the rest on top so you can see how disasters multiply in my life. The following week, my husband lost his job followed the next day by my son coming down with a 104.9 fever that took a day and a half to break.

Then learning my mothers new surgery date is August 30th and isn't guaranteed, she could get bumped and rescheduled and the reschedule date depends... definitely not flying this time.

I also get to look forward to spending the weekend at my MILs so we can have our son baptized and then on to Rhode Island with her for a couple beach days. I'm getting the sense she is not so keen on me lately, and my assumption is the conversation my husband and she had about taking our son with me to Michigan had something to do with it. The last weekend of August involves going to my husband's 25th anniversary class reunion, in which his mother is staying in a hotel with us so she can babysit while we attend the dinner. I'm grateful to have her with us for the babysitting. It's quite a relief. From there however, I'll be getting in the car and heading out to Michigan, hopefully with Owen, maybe with my husband... who knows. I'm sure it will come up if not this next weekend, then the class reunion weekend.

Where did the time go?

Wow, so it's been 1 year and 2 months since my last update. Although I've heard it many times before, and had a decent appreciation for it's meaning, the old saying, "time goes by so fast when you have children" is an understatement! It seems like only yesterday my little guy was so tiny, I carefully held him supporting his head while we moved about the house throughout the day, giving him new sounds, textures, shapes and colors to experience. And well now, I've been back to work for 6 months, my son is 8 months and two weeks old, my cat Amelia had to be put down last month, Dingo barely gets any attention anymore (thank god for doggie daycare) and frankly, my life has never been more full of the greatest ups and downs I've ever experienced.

Allow me to try to recap briefly the rest of my pregnancy just so there are no monster gaps in the streaming consciousness that is this blog.

I physically felt great throughout my entire pregnancy. Sure, we had some extremely hot days in the summer which made my afternoon walks a sweaty escapade. We seriously lucked out on getting the very last AC unit in Vermont during one of the first of many heat waves last summer. But all in all, I enjoyed being pregnant, and in fact I can't wait to do it again! (sshhh, don't tell my husband!) I did spend quite a bit of time in my last trimester walking to and from bathrooms/restrooms and there were a few activities I had to decline participation in simply because bathrooms were not readily available, but again, not that big of a deal.

Emotionally speaking, the pregnancy was a little turbulent, ok A LOT turbulent. To be sure this isn't misunderstood, I love my husband dearly, but for some reason, I felt quite alone during this time. I get that men and woman are wired completely differently and for this reason alone my writing about it now should make perfect sense to those who are reading and understand these differences. Yes, pregnant women as a result of the new hormones, can tend to become a bit crazy, however I feel as though I was very aware of this tendency and was probably very mild in comparison to the average pregnant woman. I, of course can't be sure without asking others, but no one has disagreed with me so far when I make this claim, not even my husband.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I had already read one book on pregnancy before I even got pregnant. How many did my husband read? None; or rather, none from cover to cover. He did receive a couple of books from his friends and family with titles along the lines of, "What it means to be a dad", or "So you're going to be a father" which he paged through randomly while in the bathroom. Again these aren't the real book titles, however the point is, even though the one of the books was written by a man for men with a minor goal of being supportive to their pregnant wife (yes, I read this one too!), my husband really wasn't getting informed about the pregnancy in the way I wanted him to be informed. I wanted him to know what I might be feeling emotionally and physically as the pregnancy progressed and do something with that information. For example, if he knew pregnant women get very emotional over little things as silly as commercials for life insurance or are very sensitive to comments that otherwise would have rolled off one's back, perhaps he would have used that information to better filter those knee jerk reactions and impulsive responses that occasionally sent me off to work crying in car.

I guess I also underestimated what changes my husband would be experiencing as well. In typical male fashion, he never wanted to talk about how he was feeling about having a baby or the pressure he might be feeling, he just chose to act on those feelings which unfortunately really clashed with my emotions. It's only now in retrospect, I can apply this logic and feel better about how the whole thing went. One of my biggest lessons in looking back is to realize my husbands emotional needs were bigger than mine. It's sort of a hard pill to swallow, especially when you want to feel special during your pregnancy, given I was cultivating life and all. I'm obviously still trying to deal with it and hopefully I'll soon be able to let it go.

Anyway, times were rough, especially when we finally got started on a complete kitchen renovation 45 days before my due date. It wasn't always graceful, but somehow, we got through it. Even when I had to stay an extra day in recovery waiting for the kitchen counters to be installed before my husband would pick us up... yes we got through it. Even when on the way home from the hospital we had to stop at Home Depot to get a hose for the kitchen sink drain... yes we got through it.