2013 proves to be an unwieldy bitch so far.

Yeah, I said it.  I suppose I should be at the point where I've learned that life is a bitch...and then you die...   Right?  That's how that saying goes, I believe.

Anyway, all sarcasm aside, it has been a bit bumpy with my parents' health issues.  I think both of them have already had 3 independent visits to the hospital with accompanying multi-overnight stays.  At one point they were both in the hospital at the same time.   This is the portion of my Mid-Life when I should be acknowledging they are mortal.  I know they are, but it still sucks to see them age so quickly.

In other news, I've done a little online dating here and there.  I started out on http://www.christianmingle.com/ and unless you are super serious about religion, please avoid this site.  It was just all wrong for me.  I assumed a site like this would weed out the psychos, but I was sorely mistaken.  In fact I met in person one man I had been talking online to for months only to find out on our second date, he was on the SOR.  YIKES!   Most recently, I've tried Okcupid.com and things seem to be going well.

I've quit smoking again (hard to admit I even started back up, but I had).  Now with the support and help of my co-workers, I'm getting more fitness in my life.  Time to get in shape.

Coming up for Air

It's a rainy Tuesday morning just a week before Christmas.  I'm at home from work today since my son had gotten sick at daycare yesterday afternoon, and although he seems quite fine, it's their policy that a child must stay home for 24 hours after vomiting.  Normally, I'd look at this situation as a pleasant turn of events in which I can spend more 1 on 1 time with him and relish in it.  This time, however, my feelings are a bit hazy since I'm feeling a lot of pressure at work. 

Wondering whether or not you're job is at risk on a daily basis is not a healthy feeling at all.  It invites in doubt, fear, and sabotages your ability to be confident productive member of a team.  Hearing feedback that someone important in your organization doesn't feel as though you are competent, put me in a state of fight or flight.  It was important for me to fully digest what was said, and then figure out how I want to handle that information.

I'm still me, so I immediately got angry, felt blind sided, hung out to dry and felt there was no hope.  I started doing a mental inventory of what other possibilities might be out there for me, should the unthinkable happen.  But, then I waited.  I'm still waiting.  I want desperately to share my side of the story, however at the same time, I am not for fear even presenting a defense only validates it's worth discussion.

So here's what I have decided is the best approach.

1. Ensure I circle back with my manager and fully understand where he feels the gaps are in my performance
2. Ask for advice on how to address those gaps, and perhaps even ask what I should have done given the situation
3. Take it day by day doing my best always
4. NOT loosing my personal stability - by borrowing my time at home w/ my son to "make up" for perceived deficits.

It's important to me that I do keep a work/life balance.  I do not want to set my self up for short changing my son's time with me.  When I'm a mom, I'm a mom, that's is all.