Kids say the darndest things

 

There we were;  5 of us finishing up our dinner at the restaurant, when BAM! 

"Are you guys going to get engaged?" 

 

I couldn't have been more unprepared for that question and thank god it was directed at you!  Three sets of eyes (...ok 4 including mine) were staring intently at your face waiting for your response.  Despite the massive rush of adrenaline through my body induced by panic, fear and giddy surprise, I was able to hear words come out of your mouth.  What you said on the other hand is still a mystery to me, I think there was a little bit of stumbling while you tried to find the "right" answer for the situation.  As if she was aware how awkward that moment was for me, or you or both of us, she stepped in and said, "If they were, she would have a ring on her finger".

Thinking now about my added two cents about wanting a lollipop ring and I'm wondering if I helped put you at ease in the moment, which was my primary goal.  Alternatively, what message did that statement send to your kids and most importantly what message did you receive?

There have been a handful of times now where you've brought up our first date when I said I wasn't interested in getting married again.   You seem to be mentioning it in a playful manner and I try to respond in an equally playful manner by saying, "I did say that, didn't I". 
Are you mentioning it because you are looking for me to confirm that's still my thinking or to tease me for having said it in the first place?  Do you understand what I mean when I respond the way I do?

What started out as a defense mechanism to keep me from feeling hopeless after two failed marriages and failed long relationships, now makes me wish I had never shared the internal self talk with you.   I had been using this statement to keep me from feeling disappointed or let down again.  My rationale was, if I tell myself I don't want it and it doesn't happen I can't be disappointed, however if I want it and never get it, I'm not worthy.  It's shitty self talk, and has been one of the hardest pieces of letting go and being vulnerable I've dealt with.

I've never entrusted anyone with my complete being as I have you.  I've felt safe and secure and unafraid that you would intentionally do anything to hurt me or those I love for quite some time now.  Your presence, smile, words, laughter, touch and eyes into my soul fill me completely with what I can only describe as a wholeness and I want to return to you that feeling of wholeness every chance I get.  I am never sure when those chances will be, but I whenever I can possibly be with you, I will make it happen.


 

Visceral

There are a few things I know for certain at this point in our relationship, yet somehow I am still surprised and even more enamored by you when we have an unexpected moment that deepens my love for you in a way that feels like the roots of tree growing stronger and with more breadth.

Moment A
We were being intimate and maintaining eye contact through some very intense moments.  We have experienced this before where the outcome led to deeper and more intense intimacy, however, this time was even more so for me as I could see the look in your eyes change as you were staring into mine.  Your eyes initially read to me soft, trusting, open and connected as we seemed to speak without speaking through our eyes, the windows into our souls.  This alone is so powerful.  It forces me, in a good way, to be emotionally vulnerable and you always have made me feel safe in doing so.  The reward of our connection is instant and I am short of breath just thinking about how my ability to connect with you this way feels nothing shy of miraculous.

It was about this time I was feeling the waves of physical pleasure building and began to close my eyes and move my body closer to yours.  Not sure exactly how you stopped me from doing so, but I felt your resistance and refocused my eyes into yours.  I was reaching the tipping point and the heat inside my body was more than I've ever felt before and ready to explode.  At that moment I saw your eyes shift to laser like focus into mine as if you were right there with me, in my mind, feeling what I was feeling and determined to take me to euphoria.  It was the look in your eyes; not only the trusting, open, connected, loving look, but also the fierce determination in the exact moment as if we were one in the same sharing the same orgasm.  That look, your eyes, are now forever burned into my memory. 

Moment B
It was a morning drive to work like any other.  I decided to listen to a country music spotify channel to pass the time when a particular song came on.  No clue who the artist was or what the song was called, but there was a lyric somewhere in there about not wanting to change the sheets on his bed.  I had only been half listening up to that point, but somewhere in the next 10 seconds, it occurred to me the song was about a man who had recently lost his wife/lover/etc.  As I tend to do every once in a while, I began to do the mental "what if" game, applying whatever situation I encountered into my own life thinking about what it would be like if I lost you.  Holy cow!!!  My eyes began to sting in the corners, my chest felt heavy and breaths were short and choppy.  I was crying, it hurt, I felt empty, I even wondered and tried to imagine how I would go on.   My overwhelming reaction was the only thing that shocked me out of this horrible "what if" scenario.  I knew after that, today I needed to write these things down before the raw emotions of both of these events somehow lost any intensity in my ability to convey them accurately.

It's always been love.  Puppy love, growing love, trusting love, intimate love, visceral love, complete love.