Kids say the darndest things

 

There we were;  5 of us finishing up our dinner at the restaurant, when BAM! 

"Are you guys going to get engaged?" 

 

I couldn't have been more unprepared for that question and thank god it was directed at you!  Three sets of eyes (...ok 4 including mine) were staring intently at your face waiting for your response.  Despite the massive rush of adrenaline through my body induced by panic, fear and giddy surprise, I was able to hear words come out of your mouth.  What you said on the other hand is still a mystery to me, I think there was a little bit of stumbling while you tried to find the "right" answer for the situation.  As if she was aware how awkward that moment was for me, or you or both of us, she stepped in and said, "If they were, she would have a ring on her finger".

Thinking now about my added two cents about wanting a lollipop ring and I'm wondering if I helped put you at ease in the moment, which was my primary goal.  Alternatively, what message did that statement send to your kids and most importantly what message did you receive?

There have been a handful of times now where you've brought up our first date when I said I wasn't interested in getting married again.   You seem to be mentioning it in a playful manner and I try to respond in an equally playful manner by saying, "I did say that, didn't I". 
Are you mentioning it because you are looking for me to confirm that's still my thinking or to tease me for having said it in the first place?  Do you understand what I mean when I respond the way I do?

What started out as a defense mechanism to keep me from feeling hopeless after two failed marriages and failed long relationships, now makes me wish I had never shared the internal self talk with you.   I had been using this statement to keep me from feeling disappointed or let down again.  My rationale was, if I tell myself I don't want it and it doesn't happen I can't be disappointed, however if I want it and never get it, I'm not worthy.  It's shitty self talk, and has been one of the hardest pieces of letting go and being vulnerable I've dealt with.

I've never entrusted anyone with my complete being as I have you.  I've felt safe and secure and unafraid that you would intentionally do anything to hurt me or those I love for quite some time now.  Your presence, smile, words, laughter, touch and eyes into my soul fill me completely with what I can only describe as a wholeness and I want to return to you that feeling of wholeness every chance I get.  I am never sure when those chances will be, but I whenever I can possibly be with you, I will make it happen.