"Go blog"? Ok, thanks I will

Not too many days ago, my ex husband and I were arguing via text in which his last words to me were " I'm done with this for today, Go blog".

So I decided to take his advice, which is very rare for me.  But since he and I have been struggling lately to find any common ground, I've been grappling with a lot of inner demons that have been just boiling inside trying to get out.  So here it goes.  I'm blogging.

You raped me.  You mother fucking asshole.  You raped me.


Yes you RAPED ME!!!!!!  Not only have I been victimized by you emotionally and financially, I also have to live the rest of my life with the injuries you caused me physically as a result of you raping me.  My daily quality of living has been altered as a result.  50% of my mind share is dedicated to the injury you caused.  My waking moments are forever altered because you are selfish fuck.  Did you ever apologize or show remorse?  No. 

I hope you burn in hell.  I loved you and you took it upon yourself to rape and hurt me in a way that can never heal.  FUCK YOU!

Cusp of our 1 year anniversary

OMG OMG OMG OMG!  If I didn't take a moment to reflect on the milestone that's nearly upon us, I wouldn't be quite so dramatic, but for fuck's sake, I'm gonna be dramatic!

THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!

 

I have been trying to de-emphasize in my head the amount of time we've been together so I don't get myself all wrapped up in trying to hurry into our future, but as we get closer to Oct 2nd, I am not feeling confident I wont be an ecstatic mess.  How did you become the perfect man for me?  I love your wit, your sensitivity, your common sense, your patience and your raw human male nature.  

 

There are still more pieces to you I uncover and witness that endear me to you even more, and I didn't think I could love you anymore; then boom, there's more to love.  As you were starting to tell me about the incident with your ex and the frequent texting, I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck begin to stand up.  It was a fear of the closeness you once had with her as well as a jealously of the familiarity and connection you will always have with her because she is the mother of your children.  In that moment I had a choice on how to react and internalize the information you shared.  I could let that fear and jealously of your past life with her and the same connection I will have to maintain with my ex, turn into a sour pit in my stomach.  Or, I could embrace the sensitivity you had towards this situation by sharing it with me and going so far as to take action to minimize the amount of communication between you and your ex.  It showed me you have respect for me, my feelings and the living, breathing evolving thing that is our relationship with one another.  I'm glad you decided to share the situation and what you did. 

 

I've said, "ignorance is bliss" before when it comes to things that might make me feel jealous, however, you use those situations as opportunity to demonstrate the depths of your love. 

 

There I go again, loving you even more. 

Stop project managing your life!

 

We've made it 7 1/2 months!!!  Still no signs of weakening, losing it's luster, or even second guessing.  But then why do I feel hopeless sometimes?

Not only is it challenging to try to find true love in life, but after earlier failures you get to deal with doubt and baggage that try to erode and sabotage love idealism.  I found it!  I have it!!  I can't believe it really exists.  It's even better than what I imagined; our combined energy is truly spiritual, cosmic and karmic.

Now, I need to keep it and continue to nurture our loving life long partnership; you said you see us as a long haul, grow old together type of thing, you want me and Owen in your life indefinitely. I understand there is no end zone in life, no final destination.  And I am very thankful for every moment we have together and you keep me wanting more.  This is good right?  It's so frustrating too though!!!  Can our lives combine any more?  I'm sure they can in small ways, such as the vacations together with our families that we are already scheduling, parties, etc.  But what about the big ways?  Will we ever live together in a such a way where we are the first person we wake up to in the morning and the last one we kiss goodnight day after day?

You have a magical way of thinking; "These things tend to work themselves out".  I wish I could subscribe to it.  Sounds blissful.  My way of thinking has always been, "if you want something done, you have to do it yourself".  My goal oriented tendencies push me to take action and make me feel uncomfortable when there is something I want and I can't have it when I want it.  I'm doing my best to temper the impatient beast inside by reminding myself that it's very earlier in our relationship.  There is still more to learn about us and our families together and taking things slow creates a stronger foundation for us on which to grow.

There are times of weakness where I wish I could see how these things will work themselves out.  But what I really should be doing is trusting in your love and commitment.  Everything that should be, will.

Kids say the darndest things

 

There we were;  5 of us finishing up our dinner at the restaurant, when BAM! 

"Are you guys going to get engaged?" 

 

I couldn't have been more unprepared for that question and thank god it was directed at you!  Three sets of eyes (...ok 4 including mine) were staring intently at your face waiting for your response.  Despite the massive rush of adrenaline through my body induced by panic, fear and giddy surprise, I was able to hear words come out of your mouth.  What you said on the other hand is still a mystery to me, I think there was a little bit of stumbling while you tried to find the "right" answer for the situation.  As if she was aware how awkward that moment was for me, or you or both of us, she stepped in and said, "If they were, she would have a ring on her finger".

Thinking now about my added two cents about wanting a lollipop ring and I'm wondering if I helped put you at ease in the moment, which was my primary goal.  Alternatively, what message did that statement send to your kids and most importantly what message did you receive?

There have been a handful of times now where you've brought up our first date when I said I wasn't interested in getting married again.   You seem to be mentioning it in a playful manner and I try to respond in an equally playful manner by saying, "I did say that, didn't I". 
Are you mentioning it because you are looking for me to confirm that's still my thinking or to tease me for having said it in the first place?  Do you understand what I mean when I respond the way I do?

What started out as a defense mechanism to keep me from feeling hopeless after two failed marriages and failed long relationships, now makes me wish I had never shared the internal self talk with you.   I had been using this statement to keep me from feeling disappointed or let down again.  My rationale was, if I tell myself I don't want it and it doesn't happen I can't be disappointed, however if I want it and never get it, I'm not worthy.  It's shitty self talk, and has been one of the hardest pieces of letting go and being vulnerable I've dealt with.

I've never entrusted anyone with my complete being as I have you.  I've felt safe and secure and unafraid that you would intentionally do anything to hurt me or those I love for quite some time now.  Your presence, smile, words, laughter, touch and eyes into my soul fill me completely with what I can only describe as a wholeness and I want to return to you that feeling of wholeness every chance I get.  I am never sure when those chances will be, but I whenever I can possibly be with you, I will make it happen.


 

Visceral

There are a few things I know for certain at this point in our relationship, yet somehow I am still surprised and even more enamored by you when we have an unexpected moment that deepens my love for you in a way that feels like the roots of tree growing stronger and with more breadth.

Moment A
We were being intimate and maintaining eye contact through some very intense moments.  We have experienced this before where the outcome led to deeper and more intense intimacy, however, this time was even more so for me as I could see the look in your eyes change as you were staring into mine.  Your eyes initially read to me soft, trusting, open and connected as we seemed to speak without speaking through our eyes, the windows into our souls.  This alone is so powerful.  It forces me, in a good way, to be emotionally vulnerable and you always have made me feel safe in doing so.  The reward of our connection is instant and I am short of breath just thinking about how my ability to connect with you this way feels nothing shy of miraculous.

It was about this time I was feeling the waves of physical pleasure building and began to close my eyes and move my body closer to yours.  Not sure exactly how you stopped me from doing so, but I felt your resistance and refocused my eyes into yours.  I was reaching the tipping point and the heat inside my body was more than I've ever felt before and ready to explode.  At that moment I saw your eyes shift to laser like focus into mine as if you were right there with me, in my mind, feeling what I was feeling and determined to take me to euphoria.  It was the look in your eyes; not only the trusting, open, connected, loving look, but also the fierce determination in the exact moment as if we were one in the same sharing the same orgasm.  That look, your eyes, are now forever burned into my memory. 

Moment B
It was a morning drive to work like any other.  I decided to listen to a country music spotify channel to pass the time when a particular song came on.  No clue who the artist was or what the song was called, but there was a lyric somewhere in there about not wanting to change the sheets on his bed.  I had only been half listening up to that point, but somewhere in the next 10 seconds, it occurred to me the song was about a man who had recently lost his wife/lover/etc.  As I tend to do every once in a while, I began to do the mental "what if" game, applying whatever situation I encountered into my own life thinking about what it would be like if I lost you.  Holy cow!!!  My eyes began to sting in the corners, my chest felt heavy and breaths were short and choppy.  I was crying, it hurt, I felt empty, I even wondered and tried to imagine how I would go on.   My overwhelming reaction was the only thing that shocked me out of this horrible "what if" scenario.  I knew after that, today I needed to write these things down before the raw emotions of both of these events somehow lost any intensity in my ability to convey them accurately.

It's always been love.  Puppy love, growing love, trusting love, intimate love, visceral love, complete love.